To you...

When I heard you had reached out to Colleen weeks ago, I admit for a moment I thought I might be next. I thought you may have recognized the way you treated me was wrong. That I was one of the many people you needed to talk to. I thought for a moment I might get an apology, I might get my moment to speak my voice, my truth. I thought for a brief moment, I might be heard. Something that was taken away from me. I have been struggling with how to be heard, going back and forth on how to do that and honour my values. So many people - professional or not - have told me to report you. Begged me to report you. And even though I have gone back and forth and gathered oodles of evidence, I know that's not how I want this to end. And I don't want to hurt the people you employ or treat. 

So when I heard you reached out, I thought I might get my chance. But weeks later, it's pretty apparent I will get no apology. No explanation. No closure from you. So, I'm writing this. To be heard. Probably just by the one person in Portugal who reads this blog. But at least it's one person who might get to hear my side, my voice.

You said to me several times that you were "the most honest person in the world." This, this is just not true. You may think you are honest, or you only lie to protect people, but you told me several lies. And I believed them. And to be frank, I have no idea what was the truth and what wasn't. That I was family, that you loved me, that you would never abandon me. Those statements don't fit the facts. You would never treat someone you love they way you treated me. And you were gone. At the first trial of things, I was abandoned.

You also said you never had propositioned Colleen and had no interest in her. And you said you had gone off Tinder and weren't interested in dating. You had no time for that. But, out of left field, you're in love. And that awful Saturday when you had come directly into the clinic from your 3rd date, I knew you would be gone from my life soon. Because you had used me for the support you needed and you didn't need me any longer. You had tasted the heroine. You had already changed in the span of a week. I don't know if you lied to protect me. But, lies aways hurt more than the truth, and the truth will out.

I have been silenced all my life. Not allowed to speak up. And if I did, I was either shamed or laughed at or sent to be by myself. My feelings were never validated. I had to be perfect and silent to be loved. Your quick change from my friend back to my practitioner, just solidified this. One of my therapists actually called it "gaslighting." And you gaslighted me. You made me feel crazy for thinking we had a friendship, for thinking that there was more to us than a patient and acupuncturist. To go from talking to 3am, cooking dinners, working on the business, telling our darkest secrets to each other, to what? Nothing? That I'm just a patient? What was that? And honestly, when I described our relationship and the things you had said to me, everyone stated that it was an emotional affair. You may not have seen it that way, but I wasn't wrong for developing the feelings I did. In actuality as it has been pointed out to me, for several months, we basically in a relationship without sex. Talking all the time, supporting each other, being family. And you saying that to me. Repeatedly.

You said "no one in to blame" when you fired me. I would counter that. We both are to blame. And, honestly, as my practitioner, you held the power. So ultimately, you are to blame. I was incredibly vulnerable. I had just come off a suicide attempt and three weeks in a mental institution. And then the pandemic hit. You were quick to lean on me after the disintegration of your marriage. You used me as a counsellor. You knew it was wrong. You said that if the college ever found out you would be in trouble. And you let it happen. And I let it happen. And the crazy thing is, I don't regret the friendship. I would have chosen the friendship every time. But you did use me. And I let that happen. It is my pattern. Emotional, needy, broken men use me to fix their lives. When I express my wants and needs, I am psycho chick who loves them. And then I'm abandoned. I'm abandoned just at the moment when I'm able to be honest, when my voice is spoken out loud. And once again, it's enforced that speaking up gets me no where. It leaves me alone.

And even after all of this, I think the issue I have the most problem with is the way you left things. Agreeing to meet and talk with me and then springing on me at the last minute hours before that meeting that a 3rd party had to be there. And when I declined to do that, nothing. Not one single word. If I am your patient, which at this point is the only way you viewed me, did you know you have an ethical responsibility to ensure my care was continuous? I was just starting my DBT program and getting treated by you three times a week. Your clinic was my safe home. And that was yanked away. Via text while you were on a ferry. No call. No conversation. A text. You didn't say I could be treated at your clinic by someone else, you didn't even give me suggestions of where else I could go to be treated and make an introduction. You dropped me. A vulnerable person, fighting suicidal ideation was dropped. And yes, if I had taken my life, it wouldn't be your fault. But you don't know how dark I went. You just walked away. From your friend, from your patient. You turned away and let me sink. Do you know I haven't been able to get acupuncture since this has happened? Did you know I've had to utilize the food bank throughout the fall because I thought I might have that income from doing your social media and phone calls? Did you ever once trust in me? You put your faith into colleagues and mentors and a jealous girl who you knew less than two weeks. Where was the faith in me? And to just text Jenn and say I was her responsibility now? Seriously? Like I was a nuisance pet who peed on the rug that someone else had to deal with. Did you ever think about her in this? I don't think you cared about anyone else but yourself and your new love.

When you texted Colleen to explain you were no longer in another "toxic relationship", you said you felt like you were whisked away by "fairies and gypsies." You may feel like that, but make no mistake, you made choices. YOU made choices. And owning up and apologizing for those choices and taking ownership - not blaming them on mystical forces - is the only way you'll get forgiveness. I 100% know that even if I hadn't told you about my romantic feelings, or being my favourite person, the same thing would have happened. You did it to Colleen, you would have done it to me. The process was just expedited.

I wish you would have trusted me. Trusted that I could see you. Trusted that I saw this toxic relationship coming. One of the last things I wrote you you was "don't simply fade into someone else's world." I'm hoping you're bringing back the colour to yours.

There was a moment one night when we we sitting outside your house listening to music, quoting lyrics back and forth. And you looked at me and said "I don't really know what's going on here." And that was the moment I knew I wanted more from you. And it scared me. And I got up and left. I have no idea what you even meant by that, but at that moment I felt like you could see me and I could see you. The good, the bad. Maybe I should have pulled away. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and suffered in silence. But that moment kept replaying in my mind and I really thought you wouldn't do anything to hurt me. That you had me. That you understood me. That maybe this time it would be different. I was wrong. I never expected you to love me, not in that way. I knew it wasn't allowed. I just needed you to know. Needed you to know why I was so sad and hurt. And after the way you reacted to me telling you about Lucas, I never thought, never ever thought, you would just drop me. I thought I wouldn't be able to be treated by you. I thought I would get over you. I thought you would still be my friend.

So, here we are after 8 months of silence. Me trying to figure out how to be heard and you navigating life on your own. It sounds from your own admission like you hurt a lot of people. Maybe you will take my advice this time: Don't wait to reach out to them. Time only makes the rifts larger, the apologies harder. Own what you did. Be genuine and make it up to people, especially your kids, with actions not just words. Show you care. Focus on your business. Never, ever do this again. You deserve love. Not toxic attachment, genuine love. Someone who looks back at you with the same love you look at them with. Equals. If your patients are only patients in your eyes, treat them that way. Don't be their friends. Don't tell them your personal problems. Heal them and let someone else heal you.

It bothers me that I miss you. After all of this, I miss you. I want to tell you things. I want to laugh. I want to tell you how hards it's been. I want to send you music and writing and poems. I want to know how you are. I think about you every day. And you haunt my dreams to laugh at me, or ignore me, or punish me. I hope this makes the hauntings stop. I want to remember the good of you.

And I do still love you. You will always have my love, that is something I'll never take away. You also now have my forgiveness. I forgive you. And even though I will never get your apology, I'd like to think you maybe learned something from me, from this. And maybe I'll see your face one day walking at the lagoon. And I'll be happy to meet your eyes, and you'll be happy to see mine and we'll remember the short time when we meant the world to each other as we walk by each other in silence.

This is my truth, this is my voice.

Thank you.
I love you.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
I forgive you.
Good bye.