Slow Your Roll

Alright, boys update. Because the man storm is in full effect. And I feel I need to slow my roll. It's a lot easier being Porn Star Cas than it is being me. Authentic, vulnerable, wanting to high tail it outta there, fear of abandonment me. The me who has opened up and lost every time. And, as this year is about breaking patterns, I'm trying not to lead with my sexuality but really explore what I am looking for in a relationship and how to get my needs met instead of constantly giving.

I'm not good at sleeping with multiple people at the same time. I do one for one. So, I have some choices.

So, Grocery Store boy, so lovely. Sweet, wants to take me to the beach, nice sex with tenderness. He's done the work, he knows who is is. And he makes me nervous because I know there is more at stake. I like him. He is my friend. But, he's busy. Really busy. We see each other once every two to three weeks. He's not looking for a wife. And he is all about slow and steady. The question? Is that enough for me? I won't be the priority. And although there could be a future, that will be a long ways off. Can my need for instant gratification be suppressed? And, could he be someone I could lean on? If I needed help, would I turn to him? Or would I feel I was bringing drama into his busy life? Remember, as Taylor says "I could never bring you peace."

2.0 is still hovering around the fringes. As I'm not good with multiples, I said I wasn't able to sleep with him until I figured out what was up with Grocery Boy. And grocery boy and I have a deal that if we start sleeping with other people, we tell each other. And a decision is made. This is mostly about safety. But 2.0 and I have been texting as friends and now that sex is off the table, I'm getting to know him. And he was very caring and understanding. We are going to go on an adventure next week. He is definitely more available.

And then there's Podcast Man. Met on Tinder and we've been talking on insta. He thinks my seagull videos are funny. He intrigues me with his podcasts, guitars, and long hair. Dirty hot. But, he wants kids. And I do not. Would I ever be enough? Kids are something I've never wanted. I'm suited to be an auntie not a mom. And I love Aunite-hood. It's the best thing I've done with my life. So, at our age, the difficult questions need to be asked. He also drinks a lot of beer. And I do think he's been drunk when we have spoken. And that's a red flag. I'm no longer willing to swoop in to fix other people. That's up to you. I'll stand by you, I'll support the hell out of you, but you to the work. Podcast man wants to buy me dinner this week and do "boyfriend and girlfriend" stuff....and by stuff, I mean stuff. Like dates, and walks, and interviewing me for his podcast. He's also somewhat slow although he "wants to make babies with me."

And finally, in a fit of angry Tindering, I matched with D last night. The "D" stands for several things. But one of them is dominant. But not, dom like video game boy, a dom who knows the sub holds all the power. But that aside, you know when you click with someone? And your tinder turns to texts turns to a phone that lasts until 3:30am. And I feel like I know him. When I really don't. But this comes with complications too. He jumps in feet first with all the feels. I'm very wary and protective of my black and blue heart. Would this be another man that I would shatter? And he has children. And am I up for a fully submissive sexual relationship? I definitely have those tendencies, but a little vanilla is good too. He works in the field that supports me but he's said he will never be my therapist. Support yes, therapist no. I'm intrigued. He wants to meet tonight. Emotions mind was all over that last night. But in the light of day, I think I need to slow my roll. I wasn't planning on sleeping with him. We both have that same rule about the first date. But, I think I want to get to know this one a bit first. Breaking patterns. Not leading with sex. Getting my needs met.

And through all of this, I think of the others. A memory came up on Facebook that lead me to the angry tindering. I'm not sure why things show up when a page has been blocked. But it does. I guess I still feel I have something to prove. That I am worthy of the love. A lovely memory came up this morning. A piece I wrote about the lovely Dakota dog who died 12 years ago today. And I said about her:

"Through everything, Dakota never judged. Dakota was sweet and funny and loving and playful. No matter what, she was always excited to see me and greeted me with her 'smile'.  Dakota always listened to my stories and never once abandoned me."

And I read that and thought that's what I want in my romantic relationship. There's a lot you can learned from a smiling golden retriever. No fear of being abandoned. No judgement. Someone to talk to. Someone who wants to be with me. Maybe I should just get a puppy and call it a day!