On this, the eve of my 28th birthday...
Wow. I can hardly believe I am turning 28 tomorrow. I remember being 8 and trying to figure out how old I would be when the millennium hit! And now we are five years past that! I am getting old.
I had a meeting today with the big wig director of the institute I work at. I had asked him for a reference for a job I am applying for and really really really want and he wanted to talk to me about why I was looking for work elsewhere. We got to talking and he asked me "what do you want to be when you grow up"? An odd questions to ask a 28 year old, but one I really haven't answered for myself. What do I want to be? I am not sure.
I have learned so much in the last year. A nervous breakdown lead me to take sometime off and really deal with the abuse, abandonment and grief that my past is speckled with. I know more about myself than I ever have after thousands of dollars on drugs and therapy and yet I am still no closer to answering the question that is so easy for children to answer. I can remember longing to be an Astronaut, then a writer and then "Medicine Man", zipping through the trees of the jungle. I hear it everyday, little children telling me what they want to be when they grow up. Will they make it? Or will they be like me, trying to find a passion, trying to find themselves?
I guess my birthday makes me a little nostalgic. I love the fun, the hanging out with friends, the cake and the presents, but it also brings me back to one of the saddest times of my life. You see, my Dad died just two days after my birthday 9 years ago. I can't believe it has been 9 years. The last birthday I spent with him, he was dying. So sick, and so consumed by cancer, he could barely sign my birthday card. He tried so hard and I still have his card with the scrawled "dad" across the bottom. My Dad was one of the greatest people I ever knew. He taught me kindness, he taught me laughter and he taught me love. Everyday he woke up with a smile on his face and a whistler on his lips. He was truly happy even though life had thrown its ups and downs at him. He truly had "no regrets" as he told me from his hospital bed.
For those of you who know me, you know that I am far from being a religious person. Far from it. But one of the most moving moments in my life came from a verse written in the Bible. Many people know it, it is read aloud at every wedding I have been to!
"Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud,
doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails."
At my Dad's memorial, the friend that gave the service used this piece to illustrate a point - he substituted my Dad's name everywhere "love" was....
"Dennis is patient and is kind; Dennis doesn't envy. Dennis doesn't brag, is not proud, doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Dennis never fails." He finished my saying "Dennis was truly Love". He was right! I miss my Dad dearly.....
So, after much pondering tonight I come back to the original question that haunted me tonight, what do I want to be when I grow up? Happy. I guess that is all anyone can hope for. A smile and a whistle. It is what my Dad would have wanted me to be, and it is what I am going to strive for dearly in this, my 28th year on this mixed up crazy planet. Here's to a year of good health, great fun, unstoppable laughter and much much much much happiness!
I had a meeting today with the big wig director of the institute I work at. I had asked him for a reference for a job I am applying for and really really really want and he wanted to talk to me about why I was looking for work elsewhere. We got to talking and he asked me "what do you want to be when you grow up"? An odd questions to ask a 28 year old, but one I really haven't answered for myself. What do I want to be? I am not sure.
I have learned so much in the last year. A nervous breakdown lead me to take sometime off and really deal with the abuse, abandonment and grief that my past is speckled with. I know more about myself than I ever have after thousands of dollars on drugs and therapy and yet I am still no closer to answering the question that is so easy for children to answer. I can remember longing to be an Astronaut, then a writer and then "Medicine Man", zipping through the trees of the jungle. I hear it everyday, little children telling me what they want to be when they grow up. Will they make it? Or will they be like me, trying to find a passion, trying to find themselves?
I guess my birthday makes me a little nostalgic. I love the fun, the hanging out with friends, the cake and the presents, but it also brings me back to one of the saddest times of my life. You see, my Dad died just two days after my birthday 9 years ago. I can't believe it has been 9 years. The last birthday I spent with him, he was dying. So sick, and so consumed by cancer, he could barely sign my birthday card. He tried so hard and I still have his card with the scrawled "dad" across the bottom. My Dad was one of the greatest people I ever knew. He taught me kindness, he taught me laughter and he taught me love. Everyday he woke up with a smile on his face and a whistler on his lips. He was truly happy even though life had thrown its ups and downs at him. He truly had "no regrets" as he told me from his hospital bed.
For those of you who know me, you know that I am far from being a religious person. Far from it. But one of the most moving moments in my life came from a verse written in the Bible. Many people know it, it is read aloud at every wedding I have been to!
"Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud,
doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails."
At my Dad's memorial, the friend that gave the service used this piece to illustrate a point - he substituted my Dad's name everywhere "love" was....
"Dennis is patient and is kind; Dennis doesn't envy. Dennis doesn't brag, is not proud, doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Dennis never fails." He finished my saying "Dennis was truly Love". He was right! I miss my Dad dearly.....
So, after much pondering tonight I come back to the original question that haunted me tonight, what do I want to be when I grow up? Happy. I guess that is all anyone can hope for. A smile and a whistle. It is what my Dad would have wanted me to be, and it is what I am going to strive for dearly in this, my 28th year on this mixed up crazy planet. Here's to a year of good health, great fun, unstoppable laughter and much much much much happiness!
posted by Cascadia at 8:24 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home