Love Vs. Sex: Can we have Both?
So, I guess I am really that sexual (see posting a couple weeks ago). It must be some strange vibe that seeps out my fingers onto the keyboard onto someone else's computer screen.
After a couple months on lavalife, I truly am ready to pack it in. My score at the end of all of this, one guy who wants to fuck me up the ass, and another who I am starting to think just wants to use me for blowjobs or possibly afternoon trists. I guess we will see as I am meeting him on the weekend.
I have been talking on MSN to Blowjob Boy (BB) for a couple of weeks now. I broke the cardinal lavalife rule given to me by my good friend Bea, in her Lessons in Love, don't talk to the guys on msn, go out for coffee! I guess I was just excited to talk to someone. He is funny, seems quite cute and possibly normal. What more could a girl ask for.
The problem, even if I can call this a problem, is our chats always turn to sex. Always. Graphic, rauchy cybersex filled with words like cock and pussy. As a girl who is trying to get her erotic novels published, you would think this wouldn't bother me. But, this isn't the first time this has happened to me. Within about 15 minutes of chatting with a guy online, the conversation completely switches topic. It is like there is an oven timer set, bing! Okay, enough about getting to know you, let's tell each other our most intimate sexual fantasies. There always is the string of questions that seem to come up with these guys....what is your favourite position, how often do you like to have sex, have you ever fantisized about a cartoon...
For those of you who know me, you know I like sex. There are days that I live for sex. But, rarely am I the girl who will fuck a guy on the first date. God, I haven't even slept with that many men. The problem, it is always nice to be wanted. To have someone want to fuck you. And all too easily, I get swept into it....
Maybe I am getting too old or maybe I have been in too many relationships where it is all about the sex, but I think I may be looking for more. Who ever thought those words would be coming out of my mouth? I think I am looking for love and sex. Together. A nice package. I am looking for someone to wake up with in the morning. I am looking for someone to stroke my hair when I have had a bad day at work. I am looking for someone to hold my hand when we cross the street. I am looking for a lover to fuck me or make love to me, whatever the mood calls for.
I think I may have had the love and the sex together a long time ago. With someone who came in and out and back in again to my life. Although I firmly believe we shouldn't be together, I do miss what we had. I miss the butterflies in my stomach when he pulled me tight. I miss the gentle way he would sweep the hair way from my face. I miss the curling of my toes when we had sex. And I think I may be ready for that again.
For the past two years I have been pushing men away, completely afraid the huge rift in my heart hasn't healed. Could I go through a breakup like that again? Is it worth it? Do I need to be in love, or can I just got through life without it, enjoying sex and all it has to offer without putting myself out there? The answer, I am looking for love. Mind blowing and butterflies. Does it exist? I hope so. I see it everyday with some of the people I love, like my sister and her husband. I saw it with my dad and his wife. I hope one day people will see it in me.
I don't think I will find love in the coffee shop on Sunday with BB, but then again you never know. I might sleep with him, I might not. Maybe he will end up getting his blowjob! But I do hope, somewhere out there is the love that I am looking for....
After a couple months on lavalife, I truly am ready to pack it in. My score at the end of all of this, one guy who wants to fuck me up the ass, and another who I am starting to think just wants to use me for blowjobs or possibly afternoon trists. I guess we will see as I am meeting him on the weekend.
I have been talking on MSN to Blowjob Boy (BB) for a couple of weeks now. I broke the cardinal lavalife rule given to me by my good friend Bea, in her Lessons in Love, don't talk to the guys on msn, go out for coffee! I guess I was just excited to talk to someone. He is funny, seems quite cute and possibly normal. What more could a girl ask for.
The problem, even if I can call this a problem, is our chats always turn to sex. Always. Graphic, rauchy cybersex filled with words like cock and pussy. As a girl who is trying to get her erotic novels published, you would think this wouldn't bother me. But, this isn't the first time this has happened to me. Within about 15 minutes of chatting with a guy online, the conversation completely switches topic. It is like there is an oven timer set, bing! Okay, enough about getting to know you, let's tell each other our most intimate sexual fantasies. There always is the string of questions that seem to come up with these guys....what is your favourite position, how often do you like to have sex, have you ever fantisized about a cartoon...
For those of you who know me, you know I like sex. There are days that I live for sex. But, rarely am I the girl who will fuck a guy on the first date. God, I haven't even slept with that many men. The problem, it is always nice to be wanted. To have someone want to fuck you. And all too easily, I get swept into it....
Maybe I am getting too old or maybe I have been in too many relationships where it is all about the sex, but I think I may be looking for more. Who ever thought those words would be coming out of my mouth? I think I am looking for love and sex. Together. A nice package. I am looking for someone to wake up with in the morning. I am looking for someone to stroke my hair when I have had a bad day at work. I am looking for someone to hold my hand when we cross the street. I am looking for a lover to fuck me or make love to me, whatever the mood calls for.
I think I may have had the love and the sex together a long time ago. With someone who came in and out and back in again to my life. Although I firmly believe we shouldn't be together, I do miss what we had. I miss the butterflies in my stomach when he pulled me tight. I miss the gentle way he would sweep the hair way from my face. I miss the curling of my toes when we had sex. And I think I may be ready for that again.
For the past two years I have been pushing men away, completely afraid the huge rift in my heart hasn't healed. Could I go through a breakup like that again? Is it worth it? Do I need to be in love, or can I just got through life without it, enjoying sex and all it has to offer without putting myself out there? The answer, I am looking for love. Mind blowing and butterflies. Does it exist? I hope so. I see it everyday with some of the people I love, like my sister and her husband. I saw it with my dad and his wife. I hope one day people will see it in me.
I don't think I will find love in the coffee shop on Sunday with BB, but then again you never know. I might sleep with him, I might not. Maybe he will end up getting his blowjob! But I do hope, somewhere out there is the love that I am looking for....
posted by Cascadia at 3:44 PM
2 Comments:
Cascadia,
I feel your pain, believe me. I cannot count how many msn conversations I had with guys that always seemed to turn to sex... before I had ever met them in person. Hence my advice not to do it at all. Boys without the balls to call you are just that-- boys. And rarely does that lead to anything meaningful.
I'm sorry that your experience with Lavaboys hasn't been all that positive. Of course they won't all be, that's just the nature of the game. And you are more than likely NOT going to meet "the one" in this manner, but as Molly puts it so eloquently... It's all about flexing that dating muscle... Finding out about what you are NOT looking for... and experiencing the ups and downs life has to offer. You'll find what you are looking for--eventually. But you never will unless you put yourself out there... for better or worse.
At least you know that you aren't in it alone. I know that makes me feel a whole lot better!
BP
Well, I think you're well past due for a little cunnilingus yourself... forget the BJs until you get some action down South.
Sex is great, but it takes two...
Love? Fuck that. Forget about how much you want it, and it'll find you.
Dating? Don't get me started...
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