Marriage...

He says "this is all going to blow up when I fall in love with you and ask you to marry me." 

A bit of background, Cake Man is the brother of a former friend. A friend who hates me. A friend who told him to "stay away" from me when he asked for my number. So, yeah, this could get a little complicated, a little messy. But, what's between a cake and a cupcake is no one's business. That being said, we are keeping things on the down low until we figure things out. And then we might have to dive into the family drama.

But, that's not the first time he's mentioned marriage. In fact, it's the 7th. Seven times he's talked about marrying me. After telling me he'll never get married again. So what is this? Just a joke? Or, he's he thinking of a life down the road? And why does that make me want to run for the hills?

I've always liked the idea of marriage, of standing in front of your friends and family and vowing to love someone forever. I also love a pretty dress. And the time I went as an angel for Halloween, I was told I look pretty in white. But, I've never thought of myself as a bride. 

My first love swore he would never get married. And then he married the girl he met weeks after leaving me. Since then, I've thought I would be a spinster navigating in and out of lovers, but not built for marriage. I mean, there's no room in my closet for a man's wardrobe. I've actually only once visualized my wedding. Small, intimate, at my Dad's bench followed by brunch. A little glimmer of hope that was quickly extinguished. Hope that made the heartbreak worse.

So, here I am. Not really knowing what to believe and not really knowing what I want or what I'm capable of. Do I let the hope in again? Or do I put up the wall like I usually do? Just trying to stay present. I am where I am supposed to be.