The Attachment Item

Like a 3 year old, I have an attachment item. He's an otter, called Otter. He was given to me by some lovely ladies when I was in the hospital last year. Otter and I hang, I love him, and I even think he loves me too. Well, as much as a small, tiny, manky, stuffed otter can. For someone who has repeatedly attached to inappropriate or unattainable people, Otter is a nice change. He won't leave me.

Attachment items are new to me, and I really don't know much about them other than Otter is a comforting presence. Today, I checked in with my psychiatrist because I have been struggling. He's actually not my psychiatrist anymore as I am transitioning to a new one, but since I am on my own for the next month, he decided a check-in was in order. I was thinking a bump in my antidepressant might be in order but he had other ideas. Our session got very Freudian (super unusual for him) but he asked about attachment items. And I just might have a second, the pills he gives me. They act as an attachment item, proof that he cares about my wellbeing. And with me transitioning away from him, and my past trauma from abandonments, I may have been looking for something to show I am loved and cared for.

So, he did give me a pill to help me sleep but we decided to not increase my dose of antidepressants. Because he doesn't just want to throw drugs at me like in the past. He wants me to use my tools to confront my emotions. Pills can help borderline, but they aren't the solution.

I admit, at first I was a little embarrassed. Okay, mortified. Was I attached to another member of my care team? Fuck. But this actually makes sense. Why would I not be? These people take care of me and of course there is going to be some level of attachment. And of course, I am going to react to the man leaving who finally diagnosed me correctly after 13 years, was with me in the hospital, and helped walk me through a dark chapter in my life. I shouldn't be ashamed of that. Relationships of all kinds need work, understanding, and love. But, unlike others in the past, it was handled and explained. And we are following up in a couple weeks.

This disease has so many levels. And when I think I know what's going on, I really don't. It's all new.