Conspiracy Theory?

Thank you to all who gave me advice on yesterday's posting - either on my blog, in person or via email. It is wonderful to know I have so many good friends in my life. For now, I am sticking it out one day at a time, actually one moment at a time, until I can figure out what the hell I am going to do, or maybe until I win the 6/49. A girl can dream right? Work today was okay - only spent a couple minutes crying in the bathroom. I am trying to keep the motto that my good friend Mr. tells me, don't take it personally, shrug it off Cass, shrug it off. Honestly, it is easier said than done. Something I struggle with on a daily basis is how to not take something personally. How do you do that? How do you not take the cold shoulders and the pointed looks personally? And really today, it wasn't even that bad! Can you repair relationships that have been so badly destroyed, and quite honestly, do I want to do this with these people? Are they worth it? And if, in the end, it all works out, can I ever forget this awful time in my life, where I find myself walking on egg shells, whimpering in a bathroom stall, trying to hide from them. "I won't let them see me weak, I won't let them know they have done this to me, please god, don't cry at work" runs over and over and over again in my brain. Maybe I am the problem? I do know it is time to get out. Whether that is tomorrow or four months from now, I think I am done. It is not worth my health. It is not worth my sanity.

For now, I suggested to my boss we bring in a mediator - someone away from the situation to interview everyone and then walk us through a discussion. A step in the right direction I think, although the exercise itself will be tough. I hope it helps and starts to mend some of the fences. I guess only time will tell.

I had another date with SHB last night! Wow, two dates in two days. I can hardly believe my world right now. I am finding that I like the boy. Yup, I do think I like the boy. We spent the majority of the evening watching the Daily Show and talking about conspiracy theories. Something I never really thought I would be into - but, if you can challenge your beliefs, it only makes them stronger. The boy gained even more brownie points when he actually walked me outside. I will have to see if he does the "reach-over", you know, the tell tale sign someone is a good person, they unlock your door from the passenger side! I do find I tend to push guys away - I keep telling him to hit on hot chicks on Lavalife or at Subway. Why would I do that? I guess cause it is easier that getting close and getting hurt. Do you think I will ever get over that hurt business. I hope so, I don't want to fuck it up with too many boys. Actually, he just called me and called me on a lack of communication on my part. I have never had a guy do that! And we aren't even really dating. I think I like the boy even more!

Two more guys messaged me today - thanks to Bea for the help with the Lavalife posting. I guess we will see....