Mood shifts

For 13 years, I was diagnosed as Bipolar II Rapid Cycling characterized by mood shifts that would happen quite often and quite quickly. But, the medication I was given, never really did do the trick. And that's because I was misdiagnosed. Borderline personality disorder can mimic Bipolar. The difference, Bipolar is a chemical imbalance n your brain where as borderline is a learned behaviour in genetically highly sensitive people to respond to the trauma in their past. It's learned coping mechanisms needed as a child that no longer serve the grown individual. Borderlines have quick mood shifts and incredibly intense emotions. So intense, that often physical pain is more bearable that the emotions themselves. Borderlines go from 0 to 100 in an instant. Drugs can treat the depression, but we will always have bug emotions. The key is to learn to tolerate and regulate them so you don't drown.

Today was one of those days for me...I was fucking all over the damn place. I didn't sleep well, so my vulnerabilities were high. I went from super excited and happy in the morning, to sad and lonely, to grieving and sobbing, and back to somewhere neutral. All in the span of 12 hours. And it's exhausting. Think about feeling all your most intense emotions - the good and the bad - all in one day. And the smallest trigger today set me off. I did my best to tolerate, I did my best to distract, I did my best to soothe. But I can't help but wonder, who the hell would want to be around this? And, as Cake Man was one of my triggers, is the relationship worth it? I don't have any answers tonight. Just a hope for a good night's sleep.