Falling.....
Today is not a good day. Today I am struggling to keep afloat, struggling to stay awake, and struggling to hide from the world. The anxiety swirling and comsuming my soul is hard to bear. I want to sleep to escape from it. To turn it off for only a moment and deal with it in dreams where at least it is not real. At least in dreams I feel like I may have some control over everything.
As I mentioned a couple days ago, I am sick again. Over 50% of the past 5 months have been spent fighting some ailment. I now truly believe work is making me sick. I was able to spend today at home nursing my ailing lungs, but tomorrow I don't have the choice - I must go into work. I hate the fact that I have to go in when I barely have the energy to make my own meals. It angers me. Apparently, it is better for me to go in one day tomorrow and risk being off for three weeks then for me to take the day off. The people who complain about not having enough hours at work will not work tomorrow for me, so what do I do? Go in. I have no choice, or so I have been told.
There is a frustrating battle going on inside my body. My body is trying to protect me. Trying to shield me from the aniexy, stress and hurt I experience everyday when I work in such a polluted environment. It tells me when I am doing to much by contracting some virus which makes my lungs ache and fills them with blood. My body gets sick to slow me down, to protect me. I have tried many times not to listen to my body, but it only fights harder by affecting my breathing and making me cough so violently that I must sit down and stop everything I am doing. My body will not be pushed aside, my body will be heard.
All I can hope is tomorrow I am feeling better and that the physical exertion to push through a 7-hour stretch looking after 5 kids at a daycamp isn't too much for it. I hope it understands I don't have a choice. I hope it doesn't revolt by becoming more and more and more ill. I wish I could explain, but oddly enough I don't speak the same language as my body. It is a language I have only recently started to learn and hopefully will be fluent in someday. I wish I could tell it to hold on - hopefully something new and better and safer is just around the corner.
As I mentioned a couple days ago, I am sick again. Over 50% of the past 5 months have been spent fighting some ailment. I now truly believe work is making me sick. I was able to spend today at home nursing my ailing lungs, but tomorrow I don't have the choice - I must go into work. I hate the fact that I have to go in when I barely have the energy to make my own meals. It angers me. Apparently, it is better for me to go in one day tomorrow and risk being off for three weeks then for me to take the day off. The people who complain about not having enough hours at work will not work tomorrow for me, so what do I do? Go in. I have no choice, or so I have been told.
There is a frustrating battle going on inside my body. My body is trying to protect me. Trying to shield me from the aniexy, stress and hurt I experience everyday when I work in such a polluted environment. It tells me when I am doing to much by contracting some virus which makes my lungs ache and fills them with blood. My body gets sick to slow me down, to protect me. I have tried many times not to listen to my body, but it only fights harder by affecting my breathing and making me cough so violently that I must sit down and stop everything I am doing. My body will not be pushed aside, my body will be heard.
All I can hope is tomorrow I am feeling better and that the physical exertion to push through a 7-hour stretch looking after 5 kids at a daycamp isn't too much for it. I hope it understands I don't have a choice. I hope it doesn't revolt by becoming more and more and more ill. I wish I could explain, but oddly enough I don't speak the same language as my body. It is a language I have only recently started to learn and hopefully will be fluent in someday. I wish I could tell it to hold on - hopefully something new and better and safer is just around the corner.
posted by Cascadia at 9:31 PM
1 Comments:
Cass,
Please, please, please get out of there. If you have just cause to quit your job, and you do, you can still receive assistance from EI... It sucks to feel defeated... but imagine the feeling of NEVER having to go back to that place EVER!
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