My fridge is oh, so dirty!
This go 'round at a nervous breakdown has manifested itself in sleep. Not peaceful sleep that allows escape, but sleep riddled with heart palpitations and night terrors, my absolute favourite. Today, I didn't get out of bed until 1 pm. I think that is a record for me. Although I spent over 10 hours in bed, I probably only slept a fraction of them and dreamt through the rest. Last night, I spent the majority of my night camped outside a convenience store in the rain waiting for an ex-boyfriend. Hmmm...wonder what that means! At least it wasn't terrifying like the previous night - the night my niece fell off of the Natural History Museum in London. It was my fault, I thought there were stairs, but instead it was the edge of the building. As she went over, I grabbed her jacket to try to pull her up and she slipped out of it and just kept falling. I woke up in tears. Watching someone fall to their death is never a pleasant image.
Sleep for me used to be an escape. A place to hide. A place of safety. Now it has become something I fear. I stay awake late into the night and try to prevent it. When I do go to lie down, I feel my pulse beating through me. I can hear my heart beating in my ears. Uneasy thoughts flood my mind. And what happens when I fall to sleep, what will the dreams be like? Will I drive into the puddle that really isn't a puddle but the ocean? Will I make in out of my car as it sinks to the ocean floor? Will the ferry that I am on sink? Will my workplace be bombed? All terrifying thoughts which manifest in my dreams. Yikes, I wonder what tonight will bring?
On a much more pleasant note, I spent part of my weekend cleaning and decorating. I moved into my place about 4 months ago. When I moved in, I had grand ideas of remodeling and at the very least throwing a coat of paint on the walls. I even have all of the paint and all of the tools I need. I have been waiting for the paint to leap from their buckets onto the walls, but since that hasn't happened yet, I decided to hang some pictures. Amazing what some art on the wall will do to a room. Not that I have given up on painting, I think I may need a bit more motivation. And maybe a tad of help from my friends.
I also unpacked my set of Magnetic Poetry given to me by my good friend Marleybone Coach. And it is not just any kind of Magnetic Poetry, it's the erotic version! As an aspiring erotic story teller, let me just say, I have expanded my vocabulary some! My dirty, naughty fridge has become my muse. The poem on the door right now -"Plunge into my creamy cunt, sweet shudder inside, exquisite wail." Hey, if it is not happening in real life, at least it can happen on my fridge. Naughty, naughty fridge.
Sleep for me used to be an escape. A place to hide. A place of safety. Now it has become something I fear. I stay awake late into the night and try to prevent it. When I do go to lie down, I feel my pulse beating through me. I can hear my heart beating in my ears. Uneasy thoughts flood my mind. And what happens when I fall to sleep, what will the dreams be like? Will I drive into the puddle that really isn't a puddle but the ocean? Will I make in out of my car as it sinks to the ocean floor? Will the ferry that I am on sink? Will my workplace be bombed? All terrifying thoughts which manifest in my dreams. Yikes, I wonder what tonight will bring?
On a much more pleasant note, I spent part of my weekend cleaning and decorating. I moved into my place about 4 months ago. When I moved in, I had grand ideas of remodeling and at the very least throwing a coat of paint on the walls. I even have all of the paint and all of the tools I need. I have been waiting for the paint to leap from their buckets onto the walls, but since that hasn't happened yet, I decided to hang some pictures. Amazing what some art on the wall will do to a room. Not that I have given up on painting, I think I may need a bit more motivation. And maybe a tad of help from my friends.
I also unpacked my set of Magnetic Poetry given to me by my good friend Marleybone Coach. And it is not just any kind of Magnetic Poetry, it's the erotic version! As an aspiring erotic story teller, let me just say, I have expanded my vocabulary some! My dirty, naughty fridge has become my muse. The poem on the door right now -"Plunge into my creamy cunt, sweet shudder inside, exquisite wail." Hey, if it is not happening in real life, at least it can happen on my fridge. Naughty, naughty fridge.
posted by Cascadia at 8:21 PM
2 Comments:
How interesting that you are so want to sleep, while at the same time having terrible dreams...
If it were me, being the dream guru that she is, the roomoe would tell me that my subconcious was trying to tell me something... in a big way! You mentioned in a posting from a while back, that after you after you had that great conversation with yourself at the therapist, that you couldn't bring her back... even though you wanted to.
Well, here she is. I wish I could relate to the bad dreams... fortunately I tend to just have really bizarre ones. But when my inner me wants to tell me something, it tends to beat me over the head with it. I dream in patterns; different dreams but with the same theme.
What does a convenience store mean to you? What does this particular ex-boyfriend symbolize? Could your niece be you as a girl? Did you watch the little girl who YOU were fall to her death?
Anyway... not that you asked for my advice... but what you don't understand about your dreams can scare you, so beat your subconcious at it's own game and try to find out what it's trying to tell you. It might not make the bad dreams go away, but you may come a little closer to healing. Something I know you want to do.
Here is Molly--the dream guru's page of dream symbols. It might help you out with some of the more generic themes, but only you know how a particular object makes you feel...
http://www.spongekat.com/dreamaddict.html
Example. I had a dream about Liam Neeson... who, to me, represented a tall, not so handsome man who I find particularily attractive. He was just "passing through" the office but I felt really sad that he couldn't stay and that I had to say good bye. The next day, when I looked around to see who, in my life, I could describe as "tall, not so handsome but who I found particularily attractive"... it turned out to be Jeff, the former PNB... who had just broken up with me... That and a couple of other symbols in my dream seemed to be telling me to let him go and to say goodbye... It was easier for me to accept doing that once I knew a part of me... the deepest part of me, had already done it.
Way too long a comment... sorry.
Love ya!
Moi
Thank you guys for the comments! I am trying to analyse my dreams and as it is mental health monday, much of my session today was spent doing just that! The dream which seems to be the most important, the little girl falling off of the building. She was manifested in my niece, but she was really me. The little girl not trusting the adult. Now, I just have to figure out what the building was. This is hard work!
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