Boys who are girls who like girls who are boys....

I definitely have some masculine traits, I think most girls do. I have been brainwashed into believing that particular character traits are male or female. These traits can positive or negative or neutral. I recently had an experience with a boy who really was a "metrosexual" is every sense of the word - a boy who was definitely a boy, absolutely loved females, but possessed many feminine traits, or what I have been brainwashed into thinking were feminine traits. He was very communicative, loved to talk about his feelings, and I guess gentle. I would use the word gentle to describe him. He was very different from anyone I have ever met. Ever. And completely different from anyone I have ever dated. He kept telling me that he "loved me", to which I gave him heck, he didn't want me to give him blow jobs and he wanted me to be his girlfriend, exclusively, after 2 weeks. And you would think that I would love this! What an ideal relationship! But no, it was quite offputting....

I called the whole "thing" off a couple days ago. I found that I was completely unattracted to him. At first, I though it was my pills and the ugly family secret that reared it's head last summer - my grandfather molested me. I thought that between the antidepressants, which can reduce a sex drive, even one like mine, to zero and the unbearable memories that where resurfacing, I really just wasn't feeling much of anything in the sex department. I struggled on trying to prove to myself that the lack of tingles down my spine and butterflies in my stomach was not him. He was cute, nice, sweet, funny why shouldn't I be attracted to him. It must be me, right? Then we had sex. Boring uninspired sex. Sex during which I thought about filing my taxes. Yup, during sex, I was thinking about my T4 slip. Yikes. I knew it then, something wasn't right. We actually stopped half way through, neither of us satisfied, neither or our heads dizzy from orgasm, and left his apartment to go disc golfing.

This was such a strange experience for me. So strange. I have had sex. Lots of sex. Sex without love. From fucking in a forest, to the intense desire, that just barely gets you through the door of your apartment and onto the floor. I have also experienced the most tender love-making one can imagine. Through every experience, every different boy, even if I was tired, or didn't really know my partner, I never was bored, I never thought once about my taxes and I never once yawned. My concentration was completely on the other person and the act itself. The touch of his skin beneath my fingers, the taste of slight perspiration and the hotness of his breath against my neck. Not once did I think of any of that. All I thought was "when will this be over". And as much as I tried to think "it's not him, it's me" it really was him. There truly was a lack of attraction that could not be overcome.

I guess I knew this all along. But why? He was totally into me. He did everything right. He called me everyday. He sent me emails. He told me I was "hot" over and over and over and over. He loved my body. He fantasized about me. As the days went on, I felt like I didn't want to see him, didn't want him to call. When he called me hot, I would change the subject. If he touched me, I would draw away. I couldn't stand it.

I think my lack of attraction may have had something to do with those feminine traits. Was the communication too much, too soon? Did he put me on too high of a pedestal? Or maybe he tried to hard? Quite possibly it was none of that! Maybe it was wrong pheramones. Maybe my chemical make-up disqualified him the moment my nose was in range. Chemically speaking, women choose mates that possess an opposite physicallity to ensure genetic diversity to their offspring, so maybe we were too much alike. Or maybe he was too young for me and I really am holding out for that older man of my dreams.

So, what have a learned? As lonely and honry as I am, I can't pretend. I can't make myself attracted if I am not. I can't make my heart feel something it doesn't. I may never find love again as I once had it, but I definitely need a spark to be physically fulfilled. And I maybe I should really do my taxes.