Self Harm

Loving toxic individuals is my most common form of self harm.

The Sick and Dying

I'm surrounded by fighting people. People fighting illness, people fighting for their lives. And a good friend was hit by car last night while on his bike. And he's in rough shape. These fighters bring up the feels. The sadness. The jealousy. The grief. It's a hard world some days.

Toxic

Yup, I'm staying away from the toxic. The drunk antivaxxer who I want to fix. Him. I'm staying far away from him. I think the next time I love someone, it will be someone I don't have to fix. I attract the needy.

50

My cousin will die within the next few days. There's little hope he won't. 50 is not a good age in my family. My heart hurts. I don't want to let in the grief. It brings up so much. So much.

Regret

It feels really shitty to be so many people's regret.

Your word...

I believe in my word. In speaking my truth. In holding myself accountable for my promises. But what if the other person doesn't hold up their end of the bargain? Is it okay to go back on your word if it's for the greater good? An if you gave your word when you were vulnerable or hurt, can you change your mind. When is it okay to go back on a promise?

Miracle

So I'm a miracle. And I don't really want to be. And the question is, what do you do with this gift? What do you do next? But what if you never wanted to be the miracle in the first place?

Neruda

“I love you as certain dark things are loved, secretly, between the shadow and the soul.”

“I can write the saddest poem of all tonight. I loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.”

― Pablo Neruda

Ambivalent

I am ambivalent.