Love

I've been thinking a lot about love on this stormy Sunday afternoon. Love tends to get me into trouble. Love is such a big emotion for me, quite often I wish I could just turn it off. I question why I still love the people who have hurt me, the people that have left me. Why do I still love those who have caused so much pain, so much turmoil?

But maybe love isn't something I can turn off like a hose. My love, it's there. Once you get it, it's always there, like air, like sunshine. Love isn't something I can "fall out of" or turn off.

But, I can fall out of "like." I can fall out of "respect." I can fall out of "trust." So, just because I love, doesn't mean I love the way I have been treated. It just means I accept that I love you, no matter what. And maybe the faded loves of my past -so many faded loves- feel it on cold and windy days. I may not like you, but I love you.

The Playlist

I have an extensive, eclectic playlist. I'm one of those people you hate because "I like all music." Except hate songs of the KKK, thanks Dwight Schrute. And every once every blue moon, one pops up that hasn't in a long while. And I'm taken back to another time and place. Tonight, Bruce Cockburn's Isn't that What Friend are For?

"You're as loved as you were
Before the strangeness swept through
Our bodies, our houses, our streets --
When we could speak without codes
And light swirled around like
Wind-blown petals,
Our feet

I've been scraping little shavings off my ration of light
And I've formed it into a ball, and each time I pack a bit more onto it
I make a bowl of my hands and I scoop it from its secret cache
Under a loose board in the floor
And I blow across it and I send it to you
Against those moments when
The darkness blows under your door

Isn't that what friends are for?
Isn't that what friends are for?
Isn't that what friends are for?"

I wish I could write like him.

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_P0eMkJHQ0&list=RDAMVMQ_P0eMkJHQ0

Superlikes

Fuck you Tinder and your Superlike. It's way way way way way too easy to Superlike people by accident. Like your bestie's nephew....who you were just trying to see if it was really him....and you know he sets dashboards on fire for fun and throws propane tanks in the bonfire....and you have no interest in him at all....and he dated your other friend....and seriously Tinder, seriously. *blush* This is my punishment for being nosy.

Birth Control

Me: "I think currently I'm practicing the most effective type of birth control."

Gay Ex-husband: "No Cas, I'M practicing the most effective type of birth control!"

The Change

I'm watching a terrible tv show. It's awful. But, hey, I need some downtime, and something to distract my brain. And I'm watching this girl not listen to a guy who's telling her he's not interested. Over and over and over. And she's insisting her love will change him. Dude, people show you who they are. They tell you who they are. You may be the most incredible person in the world, but you can't expect people to change. They are who they are. And I've seen this with my girlfriends, insisting a guy will change for love. And I've seen this with myself, guys wanting me to change for them. You can't rely on that. Take people for who they are. LISTEN. Stop trying to make the change.

I blame the stories, the fairytales. The magic of love we are all told about. How is changes, transforms people. Love is hard. Love is not magic. It takes attraction and timing. And an acceptance for the person the way they are. Love is not without conditions. Love takes work. Let's start talking about love in these terms and maybe the next generation won't be so blinded by an idea that doesn't exist.

Wants and Needs

I hear you get what you need. But why do the needs never line up with the wants? And when do I finally get what I want?

Did anything change?

Memories on Facebook can be like little bombs. Sometimes little bombs of joy, sometimes little bombs of sadness. I've been struggling to sleep tonight and wilfulness beat out the ice packs and breathing. So, I picked up my phone and started doom scrolling. And hit my "memories" button on Facebook. This time last year was the beginning of the pandemic lockdown. So much unknown, so much fear, so much uncertainty. I was just a month out of the psych ward, trying to bring myself back to life.

Facebook showed me the words shared by a friend written upon the closing of his business in light of Covid-19:

"This is going to be a challenging time for us all, in many ways. Please take this time to deepen your sense of compassion, and kindness. Take care of your loved ones, but be aware that there are those near you who may have no one to lean on, and check in with them. Take this time to pause and become aware of what is important to you, and to recognize that what is important to you is important to us all: love, connection, a common desire to raise good children and be good neighbours.

Maybe this is a good time to mend fences with those you have quarrelled with, or reach out to a friend you haven’t spoken to in too long. Maybe it’s time to reach out and ask for help.

Maybe it’s just a time to garden, and see life spring up through the cracks. Listen to the birds, watch the stars, hear the waves on the beach. Count our blessings and look to a future where we are all just a little bit gentler with each other, and with this earth that we all share."

To me, I look back at this and think about what I learned over the past year. Was I a good neighbour? Was I a good friend? Am I still kind, compassionate? Are we really gentler with each other?

I hope I am. I know many people who are not. I see them in line at the grocery store. Many people who are fatigued, many people who just don't care. This virus is a litmus test, changing us either for the good or for the bad. If it's for the good, well done. If it's for the bad, look at yourself. Make changes. It's never too late to pick the greater good over yourself.

I hope some people took this advice. Mended those fences, apologized before it was too late. And maybe if you forgot, maybe this memory brings you home. To remember what is important to all of us: love and connection. Whether we are in a pandemic or not.

The Parking Lot Dance

I'm not a romantic. In fact, I fight romance. It's makes me uncomfortable; I don't think I deserve it. But, I've always had a "parking lot dance song." When my dad first started dating my stepmom, he roared into a parking lot one day to pick her up. He slammed on the brakes, cranked up the radio, hopped out of his truck, and danced with her in the headlights. So, I've always had a "parking lot" song, a song I would love to dance to in a parking lot. I have a new one by my new favourite artist Forest Blakk. They're the words I think my dad might say to someone if they loved me:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wDaiiluanQc

Take it
If she gives you her heart
Don't you break it
Let your arms be a place
She feels safe in
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She always has trouble
Falling asleep
And she likes to cuddle
While under the sheets
She loves Pop songs
And dancing, and bad trash TV
There's still a few other things
She loves love notes and babies
And likes giving gifts
Has a hard time accepting
A good compliment
She loves her whole family
And all of her friends
So if you're the one she lets in
Take it
If she gives you her heart
Don't you break it
Let your arms be a place
She feels safe in
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She'll love you
If you love her
On days when
It feels like the whole
World might cave in
Stand side by side
And you'll make it
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She'll love you
If you love her like that
Kiss her with passion
As much as you can
Run your hands through her hair
Whenever she's sad
And when she doesn't notice
How pretty she is
Tell her over and over
So she never forgets
Take it
If she gives you her heart
Don't you break it
Let your arms be a place
She feels safe in
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She'll love you
If you love her
On days when
It feels like the whole
World might cave in
Stand side by side
And you'll make it
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She'll love you
If you love her like that
She'll love you
If you love her like that
She'll love you
If you love her
She'll love you
If you love her like that
She'll love you
She'll love you
She'll love you
She'll love you
If you love her
On days when
It feels like the whole
World might cave in
Stand side by side
And you'll make it
She's the best thing that you'll ever have
She'll love you
If you love her like that.

Maybe I do have a romantic bone in my black and blue heart.

Thanks today...

... for showing me just how alone I am.

THE Reason

People always look for a reason as to why I am single. Like, it's a weird mystery and there must be some explanation, some reason, I've never decided to cohabitate like the "normal" folk. God forbid you are a woman in her 40's whose never been married. There must be something wrong.

Reasons, I have been told:

1. You like hockey. No guy wants to watch hockey with a girl that knows more about it that him.

2. You like sex too much. Guys don't like that. Be demure. Don't be slutty. Because only slutty girls enjoy sex and have it a lot.

3. You're too fat. And of course, fat people can't be sexy or deserve love.

4. You choose unattainable men. This may have teeth. But what's the definition of unattainable? And am I not allowed to land a hot boy because I'm so disgusting?

5. You're crazy. And how can people with mental illnesses find love?

6. You don't put yourself out there. True, sometimes I don't.

7. You like too many weird things, rein it in a bit. Yes, because changing who I am to land a man is something I should do. It's best to be inauthentic. 

8. Play the games, you have to play the games. Yes, fucking with people is the best way to show your interest. As is lying and not telling the truth.

9. You're outgoing and funny and that's just a little too much. Told to me by a boring boring man. Yup, I'm too much for you. But other people like that about me.

You guys, this is who I am. A geeky, weird girl with borderline personality disorder whose pretty straight up and love to fuck as much as I love watching my Canucks. If you know someone who can handle this, send him my way. But I'm not going to change who I am at my core just to be with someone. That'd be a lie. That'd be inauthentic. And I am all about being myself even if it means I'm a spinster for life with a dildo named Frederico.

The pieces that may fall...

I'm doing a lot of body work. I've never really been connected to my body. In fact, I have a very tenuous relationship with mine. I've never respected it, never loved it, and quite often openly resented it. It's fat, it's clumsy, and it really doesn't do what I want half the time. I fall down a lot. It now has weird muscle movements and spasms. I push it, it lets me down. So, I've spent most of my time in my head, disconnected. But through my DBT work, I'm learning that emotions are full body experiences, not just safely contained to your mind. Each emotion comes with its' own set of physical experiences and quite often, the times I feel unwell or sick are just the biological side effects of emotions. For those of you in DBT, Emotional Regulation handout 6 is miraculous. If you want to take a peak, here it is. 

I've been having chest pains. Nothing too concerning, but my chest hurts. All the time. And today, I know that is sadness. The sadness I always carry with me, the sadness I've never dealt with, the sadness I won't show to anyone. I'm constantly tense, holding the pieces of myself together because I think I may fall apart if I let it overwhelm me. Knowing that if I succumb to the sadness, I may fall apart, I may pool, and slump, and never return. My body may give out of me. Never  to rise again. To be washed away with the tsunami of sadness. So how do I release this sadness safely? How do I give my body a break? Holding yourself together for over 40 years is exhausting ... and my body deserves better than that.

Dear Tinder Guys

Hey Tinder Guys,

Nice to meet you. Your pics are lovely. But, here's a little advice....

Number 1: Don't post bathroom selfies dude, or really any shirtless poses pics. You're hot, I get it it, but dude, you look so douchy. Wanna show me your bod? Do something active without a shirt on. And seriously, those shower pics...save them for later.

Number 2: Just say goodbye. It's easy, just say "We aren't clicking. I'm going to spend my time elsewhere." Not a problem! Not at all! Believe me, I won't be crushed our 30 minute text relationship ending. You would never just walk away in the middle of a real life convo, so, just be polite.

Number 3: Take me on a date! I mean, I know that's hard right now, but walks are okay, walks and a coffee cups of French 75s are okay. I'm probably going to sleep with you soon. I'm like that. But I need a little introduction first. In public. I'm not just going to come over and suck your dick without having met you. Call me old fashioned.

Number 4: Comments like "you're pretty without your glasses" maybe edit. I mean, I know I'm not stunningly attractive but I'm sexy and cute. You don't need to put a disclaimer on your compliment. I see what you're doing there. Classic Barney Stinson dude. Just give someone the compliment without putting her down at the same time. It makes you kinda douchy....again.

Number 5: And this goes for you too ladies, when a person says they're not in it for the long haul, believe them. You are awesome and wonderful and there might be that one person out there that might fall in love with you and change, but you can't expect that. And if you're willing to gamble your heart, do it. Hearts are made to be broken and repaired over and over but don't get mad at me for breaking things off because they are getting too serious. I was honest all along. Long term relationships are about chemistry and timing. Listen to me when I tell you my timing isn't right.

Number 6: Ask questions. Ask lots of questions. Please don't make me drive the conversation alone. And get to know me. I swear the last guy I dated from Tinder, really doesn't know me. He never asked any questions. Secret time: girls will drop their panties if they feel engaged and connected to you. So ask away.

I'm sure I have much more. But for now, work on those Tinder boys. Up your game.

My Voice

Yesterday was a tough DBT session for me. And I have a bit of a DBT hangover today. I'm tired, I'm still in bed. I'm never heard. Especially when it comes to my emotions. As a child, if I was mad or sad I was sent to my room. If I was excited, I was asked to quiet down. So, here I am as an adult, never really being authentic with myself. And the times I try to express myself, I am shut down, my voice is not heard. I am not given the chance to express how I am feeling for one reason or another. So, how do I feel like I am heard? What do I have to do to do that? The silence only enforces the fact that I have no voice.

The Lonely Seagull

It's been a rough couple of weeks. Lots of good, lots of bad, lots of life, lots of decisions. And tonight, I needed to talk. Why are the men I support only available to talk about their problems? And not mine? And why does someone fall in love with you over a period of weeks when you told them not too? And even if you let them go respectfully and completely different than you have ever been treated, you still get yelled at...

I saw a lonely seagull on Sunday. He was all alone but also worked to scare other birds away from the other seagulls, not gaining anything and just returning to his log. I feel some days I am the #lonelyseagull. At least I do today.