To my Dad....

Today, like all other days I miss you very much. I strive to be like you and bring happiness into the world like you did for so many people. I try very hard to keep your memory alive in the walls of my brain, although I sometimes struggle to hear your voice or see your face in something other than photos. It is amazing what nine years can erase. Please know that I miss you and love you dearly. I will always be your little girl.
I love you,
Cass

Who Shot JR?

I had a blast from the past the other day as I drove by one of my ex-boyfriends walking down the street carrying 48 bottles of beer. You heard me, 2 cases of 24 corona! Walking down the street! And I thought to myself, "four years later, times haven't changed"! Good old JR!

I met JR through a mutual friend, Ash, a few years back. He was a little rough around the edges, but cute. And he seemed to be quite taken with me. I don't think I realised how rough he actually was.

JR and I hung out a few times before going on the inevitable coffee date. We had fun, drank too much coffee and then went our separate ways. I was confused, I was pretty sure he liked me, but then there was nothing. A week later, we met up at Ash's house and hung out. He decided to walk me out to my car and as I was getting in, he pounced on me, pushed me against the car, and stuck his tongue down my throat. Me being the classy bitch I am said "where the hell did that come from?". And that was the start of our affair.

The next day, I was studying hard for exams. To my surprise there was a knock at the door. It was JR! I decided to take a study break. We got to some playing on the couch and the next thing I hear whispered in my ear is "can I fuck your pussy"? Yup, not "you're really beautiful", "wow, nice bra" or even "holy crap you have big tits". No no, "can I fuck your pussy". Now, I must admit, I didn't quite understand what he had actually said at first. But it became louder and louder and louder, so there was no mistaking his words. Okay, so I just met this guy, what the hell was up with that? But being meek and mild, I didn't say anything and I racked it up to too many pornos and not enough experience. And for those of you who are curious, I didn't let him "fuck my pussy" that day! Three days later, well that was a different story.

JR was a hard drinking guy who smoked a ton of pot. A ton. Like 8 joints a night. At least. And packing away 15 beers a night was really just a regular Friday night, hence I laughed out loud when I saw him packing the beer. Things probably haven't changed that much for JR.

About 2 months into our trist, I had one of the most interesting nights with JR. I picked him up from a buddy's house on a Friday afternoon. You see, we had plans to go to a party at my friend's Skidder's house. And when I say picking him up, I literally mean picking him up! For those of you who met JR, you know what a large guy he was, but 12 beer into him and he becomes dead weight. So, with a little help, I crammed him into my Honda Accord. I could hear the beer sloshing in his gullet as we drove down the street. This should be an interesting night, I thought to myself. I took him on a brief stop, before heading to the party, to pick up a couple friends. In their apartment, JR proceeded to pick up a very grouchy cat who clawed him within an inch of his life. Okay, again, with normal reflexes, if a cat was scratching you would put it down right? No no, not JR! He just kept holding the cat tighter repeating "nice kitty kitty, nice kitty kitty". And then the blood started to pore. I am not sure if you know what 12 beers does to a blood stream, but it dilutes it, a lot. And clotting doesn't happen as quick as it would in a sober person. So, here standing in front of me is my highly intoxicated boyfriend, bleeding all over my friend's carpet, squishing their cat. Good times.

Eventually, we all made it to Skidder's house to the party, JR beat up, with blood speckled clothing and me wondering how we were going to make it through the night. My friends fell in love with him! How great, Cas has brought a drunk guy to the party, let's give him shots of tequila and JD. The party got a little randy, and a boy who was very fascinated with "boobies, both his own and others, decided to grab mine - not a good plan with a 300lbs drunk, uninhibited boyfriend by my side. I dragged JR outside before a fight ensued, thinking I was finally safe and ready to get this guy home. I was wrong, before I know it, JR is urinated all over "booby" man's motorcycle. All over it. Even on the seat. Nasty.

As I drove home, his head flopped in my lap, our entire future slurred out of JR's mouth. We were going to have a dog. We were going to have a boat. We were going to have a van and kids to fill it. I nearly died. I just wanted him to stop, but no, it just kept coming. And then, those three little words every girls long to hear 2 months into her relationship. "I love you man, I love you so much, I love you so much...". Yikes, I knew it was time to run!

I didn't stay with JR much longer after that - it just wasn't the life for me. Yeah, I would have loved the boat, but I didn't love the man. So, to JR, I hope life is good for you! I hope you are happy, healthy and loved. And man, have another beer for me!

On this, the day after my 28th birthday....

Sometimes I forget that other people may be reading this blog. I really use it as a place to rant and rave not really thinking of the people of there in cyber space who may stumble upon the innards of my brain. I was reminded yesterday when I noticed I had a comment from another blogger, swizzle! So, to you swizzle, or ed, or whatever I should call you, thank you for your kind words! I do in fact hope you keep reading my adventures, and those adventures of my friends Molly and Bea! You made my day yesterday which was a rough one! Thanks again!

So, yesterday, being my birthday, had its ups and downs. The morning started off with one of the biggest rows I have ever had in my life with my coworkers over professionalism. Apparently our views very greatly on the subject. Maybe it is my three more years on this planet, or maybe a few old fashioned ideas, but I do believe you should always bring your best, most professional face to the client. I won't go into the details of the event, but it is just another in a series of events in which two of my coworkers seem to be out of get me. The reason, I was on stress leave for about 4 months over the summer and fall. Apparently, there still is a stigma about mental health with some members of our society. If I had gotten cancer or been hit by a bus, I do firmly believe that my time off work would not have been an issue. But since I had a nervous breakdown do to immense pressure and overtime hours at work, abuse from my past that reared its ugly head, the breakup of a long and passionate relationship and many deaths in my family, I am a bad person who is lazy and doesn't deserve the full time hours I have worked so hard to get. I work harder than these two people, I actually show up for work on time and I don't spend an hour each morning shooting the shit, drinking coffee. It drives me crazy. I feel like I am constantly watching my back, waiting for these two people to pounce on the next thing they think I am doing wrong. Now, to those of you who don't know me, this may sound very arrogant. But ask any of my friends (and my boss), I work hard and I believe in the job I do! I am getting to the point where I am so fed up I want to leave. It really is amazing how two people can do that to you!

But, I was reminded how great the rest of my life is at my housewarming/birthday party last night! It truly was great. I have so many wonderful people in my life and it was great to have them all in one room! They make the shit seem all so insignificant and unimportant! So for all of you who came last night - thank you. Thank you very much. You all are great and wonderful people and I am so lucky to have each and everyone one of you in my life!

Now, I guess I should update you on the lavalife front - met a nice guy. Well, I think he is nice, but you all know my judgment on men! We have been MSN chatting, but nothing more like coffee yet. Is it time to get out Bea?

On this, the eve of my 28th birthday...

Wow. I can hardly believe I am turning 28 tomorrow. I remember being 8 and trying to figure out how old I would be when the millennium hit! And now we are five years past that! I am getting old.

I had a meeting today with the big wig director of the institute I work at. I had asked him for a reference for a job I am applying for and really really really want and he wanted to talk to me about why I was looking for work elsewhere. We got to talking and he asked me "what do you want to be when you grow up"? An odd questions to ask a 28 year old, but one I really haven't answered for myself. What do I want to be? I am not sure.

I have learned so much in the last year. A nervous breakdown lead me to take sometime off and really deal with the abuse, abandonment and grief that my past is speckled with. I know more about myself than I ever have after thousands of dollars on drugs and therapy and yet I am still no closer to answering the question that is so easy for children to answer. I can remember longing to be an Astronaut, then a writer and then "Medicine Man", zipping through the trees of the jungle. I hear it everyday, little children telling me what they want to be when they grow up. Will they make it? Or will they be like me, trying to find a passion, trying to find themselves?

I guess my birthday makes me a little nostalgic. I love the fun, the hanging out with friends, the cake and the presents, but it also brings me back to one of the saddest times of my life. You see, my Dad died just two days after my birthday 9 years ago. I can't believe it has been 9 years. The last birthday I spent with him, he was dying. So sick, and so consumed by cancer, he could barely sign my birthday card. He tried so hard and I still have his card with the scrawled "dad" across the bottom. My Dad was one of the greatest people I ever knew. He taught me kindness, he taught me laughter and he taught me love. Everyday he woke up with a smile on his face and a whistler on his lips. He was truly happy even though life had thrown its ups and downs at him. He truly had "no regrets" as he told me from his hospital bed.

For those of you who know me, you know that I am far from being a religious person. Far from it. But one of the most moving moments in my life came from a verse written in the Bible. Many people know it, it is read aloud at every wedding I have been to!

"Love is patient and is kind; love doesn't envy. Love doesn't brag, is not proud,
doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails."

At my Dad's memorial, the friend that gave the service used this piece to illustrate a point - he substituted my Dad's name everywhere "love" was....

"Dennis is patient and is kind; Dennis doesn't envy. Dennis doesn't brag, is not proud, doesn't behave itself inappropriately, doesn't seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn't rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Dennis never fails." He finished my saying "Dennis was truly Love". He was right! I miss my Dad dearly.....

So, after much pondering tonight I come back to the original question that haunted me tonight, what do I want to be when I grow up? Happy. I guess that is all anyone can hope for. A smile and a whistle. It is what my Dad would have wanted me to be, and it is what I am going to strive for dearly in this, my 28th year on this mixed up crazy planet. Here's to a year of good health, great fun, unstoppable laughter and much much much much happiness!

Video Game Boy is Back....

So, I got a call today. It was quite clever really, and maybe it was genuine, but I have my doubts, because it involved video game boy! (Cue scary music from 1940's horror movies). My phone rings and I recognize the number but wasn't quite sure who it was, so I let it go to voicemail. On my voicemail was a girl who works at the same store as VGB. She had a "game" for me that she "was told I wanted" and I could "pick it up anytime". Oh yeah, she also said VGB "was off Tuesday and Wednesdays" if I wanted to come in when he wasn't around. I could here him breathing in the background. The strange thing is the game is the first one I bought from VGB when we first met. Maybe he is just being nice, maybe not. I am not sure. I am a little afraid though.....
Maybe I should change my number......

Am I really that sexual?

Okay, so I know I am a sexual person. I like sex. I like it alot. I talk about sex. I talk about sex alot. But usually not right when I am getting to know someone - well, okay, not in the first five minutes! I know you can usually pick it up in person, but I was shocked today when it was picked up over the internet!

So, being inspried by the stories of my two Toronto friends, I bit the big bullet and joined lavalife. It's been a while since I have dated anyone, it's been a really long time since I have dated anyone normal, so I thought what the heck, I'll give it a whirl. So, this guy smiles and me and we get to chatting, he seems quite nice, so we met up on MSN.

Okay, so we start out lke most normal people asking where each other works, if we have kids, what we do in our spare time. You know, the real boring but fun getting to know you stuff. I don't even know how the topic switched but I am open minded, so when he asked me if I was a sexual person I was honest and said yes. Well, before you know it, the guy is describing in detail how "we" are going to have anal sex. Yup, you heard me, anal sex. In detail. Everylast detail. All written down over MSN. Okay, maybe I am a prude, but isn't that a topic one should save until after you have met in person, or at least maybe until the second day you know each other?

Maybe someone new will smile at me tomorrow!

hmmm...no so hungry!

Hey hey! Okay, so one week into the crazy new diet and low and behold, I am not hungry all the time! Wow! I can hardly believe it! And, even better, I lost 5 lbs in 4 days! Whoo hoo! I can hear the catcalls already!

Hungry, so hungry...

Okay, so there is a ton of things I am hungry for, fortune, sex, fame.....but, I am really truly hungry! I have started a "new" health plan which really means diet! The problem, you have to leave at least 5 hours between meals! ARG! Do you know how tricky that is? If I sleep in, I will finish breakfast at 10:00 am, meaning no lunch 'til at least 3 pm and then dinner is after 9 once it is all said and done! And you have to have dinner at least 2 hours before I go to bed! I am going to be up all night! But, it is all worth it if it works, which it seems to be! Can you tell my high school reunion is this summer.....

I have stepped into the 1990's...

Well, it is official! I am online! No more borrowing people's internet access, no more violation of ny work's internet policy! I can surf from home! whoo hoo!