Change

It's funny, people don't like when you stand up for yourself. People would rather have me stay weak and silent. And I don't need that. I'm done with being used. I'm done with one sided relationships. I'm just done. It's okay to put myself first.

I'm done

I'm done. I'm done not being listened too. I'm done being used. I'm done with one sided relationships. I'd rather have no friends that friends who suck the life out of me.

The Wounded Narcissist

I am so so so very tired of being surrounded by Wounded Narcissists. They never give a fuck about me. They never listen to me. They use me as their councillor, as their therapist. And I get nothing in return. And I'm done. I'm so done.

Mistakes.

Watching people make life changing mistakes. It's brutal. I can see what will happen. I know what will happen. All I can do is speak my mind once and then support. And not rub it in when it all falls apart. 

Fooled

I wonder sometimes why I don't see people for who they really are. It gets me into trouble, it get's me hurt. But maybe I have a gift for seeing the potential in people. Seeing what they could be with a little effort, a little selflessness. But potential isn't action. And I need to remind myself that. And many people never reach their potential. And it's sad, because I see it so clearly.

Emotional Hangovers

Emotional hangover...the worse hangover because you remember all the drama but don't have the alcohol to even out the fun. I'm tired.

The Forecast

There's another man storm on the horizon. I'm not quite sure why I'm popular on these dating sites, probably because I'm just that awesome. Lol. Or I have a desperate look about me. Juggling a swak of message, invites, and conversations. But, can anyone give me what I want? What I need? I suppose time with tell. Date with 2.0 on Friday. I'm pretty sure I know what he's after.

Restoration

I overdid it. I overdid it hard. And now I'm paying hard. Restoration. Bringing down the aggravated nerve. It's easier than it sounds.

Safe

When was the last time you felt safe? It's been a while for me. With my constant clenching and holding things together, safety has been elusive. So, how do you reclaim your safety? Is it a person? Is it a place? Does it need to come from within you? Where is my safe place?

A fighter?

Just wondering when someone will fight for me? Want me for me? My FWB grocery boy....he doesn't want me for more than sex. And I don't want him for more either...but it bugs me. Why am I never good enough? Is there someone out there that'd fight for me? Not tonight.

The Good Time Gal

"Is it for better or for worse
Or am I just your good time girl?
Can you still hold me when it hurts
Or would you walk away?"

2.0 texted. I said I'd like to get together. He said "for friendship or sex. No wrong answer." I said for friendship to start. I haven't heard back. I think they all just see me as the good time girl. When do I get more?

I'm not worthy of the apology, I'm not worthy of the support. But someone else is. 

Wishes

Ever wish upon a star? I have. I actually make a lot of wishes. Only one has ever come true. So, am I wishing for the wrong things? Or am I not worthy of wishes coming true? Should I even be wishing? Is it easier just to never get what you want if you never dream?

Blue

I'm blue.

Just wondering...

...when someone will fight for me? I'm really tired today of fighting for myself. I'm just wondering when I will be worth it to someone? I fight for everyone else, when will someone fight for me?

How to feel better...

...giving back. Offer a blow job to a dying man. It's the gift that keeps on giving.

Where's the love?

Where's my love? Why isn't it ever reciprocated? Why am I surrounded by liars who never follow through? Why when I let people in, they let me down? Should I just expect this? D said he was falling in love with me...why say that if it isn't true?

Those Three Words

People toss around the word love much too easily and much too soon. Rest assured, if I tell you I love you, I mean it. But, I won't be quick to believe you if you tell me. Because, love is easy to say. It's not easy to prove with your actions.

Loveable

Everyone says I'm so loveable. Then why can't I find someone to love me? I think maybe I'm not. I'm tired and vulnerable tonight. I think I'll just go to bed. 

And just like that...

...I let down my walls and am hurt again. Trust. If I can't trust what you say, if you go off to your ex girlfriend's place when you say you're camping, when you say you're falling in love but that's just lip service, I'm building my walls back up. When you plan for Tuesday night but you say you still have your kids but you picked them up on Friday and have them for three days at a time, the math just doesn't add up. Sigh. Why do I trust the wrong ones? Or maybe everyone lies?

Judgey

Just spent 5 days with someone who is so super judgey. I can see why I'm moving away from it. It's doesn't make you a happy person.

Ickles

I've just spent almost 7 days in a row with company. Parties, celebrations, visitors, it's too much. Way too much. And I'm sad tonight that I can't handle it. I'm trying to be gentle, but it's a lot. And a huge feeling of sadness has come over me. I should want to be with people. I shouldn't need my quiet time. I shouldn't have to explain my disease over and over and over again. And I'm so tired. And questioning if I can really ever be with someone when I long to be alone.