Rockin' the Mike Like a Vandal....

Okay, so I just have to say, Vanilla Ice in fucking hot! I just finished watching a new show called Hit Me Baby 1 More Time where they bring back stars of the 80's and 90's and they perform a hit of theirs and a new song! Vanilla Ice brought down the house baby! It was awesome! He is officially added to my masterbation list....

I am so excited....

I just signed up with a company that delivers organic produce right to my door every week! Whoo hoo, it will be like Christmas, but a Christmas of veggies (and fruit)!

What's your pleasure....

Fetishes. There are lots and lots of fetishes out there. Lots, and some of them I can hardly believe exist. Last week while watching The Sex Files, the best thing on TV on a Friday Night other than the Red Shoe Diaries, but that is another story, I got to see their top ten list of fetishes. It got me thinking about fetishes and in particular mine. Do I even have any fetishes? Should I strive to get one? I am an extremely sexual being....I get turned on at the drop of a hat and multiple orgasms are something very common for me, but could tuning into a fetish increase my sexual experience? Could it bring me to the ultimate level? Or, by tapping into a fetish, would I ever be able to go back to "normal sex" again?

I guess the first step for me is to identify a possible fetish. There are some very unique ones out there. Very unique. Like, have any of you ever dressed up in a full deer costume to have sex? It is called furry sex. I must admit I haven't, and for me, I highly doubt it would be a turn on. I think I would spend most of my time howling with laughter. My friend Marleybone Coach once told me about an art teacher that once hired a hooker to shit on a glass table while he was underneath watching the whole site. That is definitely not my fetish. Not at all. I can't even change poopy diapers without my gag reflex kicking in. I have been dominated in bed, as most of you know, and I do like being submissive, but I don't like the pain. Or being hit. Or the bruises. Instead of unleashing sexual pleasure, I am too busy thinking "ouch, ouch ouch, for fuck's sake that hurts!" And, by having a low pain threshold, S&M is definitely out. Hey, I am all for a spank and a tickle now and then, but please keep the riding crop away from me...please master!

spiky Haired Boy revealed his fetish to me. He loved loved loved fat chicks, a category I fall in to. But, not only did he ogle fat chick porn, he liked to watch them eat. Yup. In particular, his fantasy was to "stuff" me and then fuck me. While explaining this, I kinda felt like a turkey. The concept, eat a lot. A lot. Like a full pizza and an icecream cake. And then have slow very full sex. Interesting concept, but I think I would once again puke. Don't get me wrong, I love food and it can be a sensual experience eating it, but not in vast quantities. But, I was willing to try it, as I am willing to try everything once in bed. Lucky for my diet, sex with SHB was boring and he was gone far before any of this stuffing could take place.

So, I guess the closest thing to a fetish I have is bondage. My exboyfriend Dennis bought me sports cuff after his work handcuffs gave me bruises. And they, they were fun. But not something I would use every time I had sex. And not something I would always have used on me, sometimes it is nice to tie up someone else. So, maybe it is back to the drawing board! I like shoes....but, not to sleep with....

So kids.....brave enough to tell me your fetishes? Let me know! Maybe you could suggest one for me....

Strange Strange Dreams

Okay, so for the past year and a bit, I have been having Night Terrors, very vivid dreams that scare the crap out of me. They come when I least expect it and usually I wake up shaking and/or crying and/or with my heart beating out of my chest . Not the most pleasant way to be woken up in the middle of the night. The most memorable included being trapped in an elevator as my Dad's decapitated head rolls around and my boyfriend is shot in the chest point blank, many nights of running from scary people and dropping my niece off the Museum of Natural History in London and watching her fall to her death.

Well, last night, for the first time in a long time, I didn't really have a gruesome or all that scary dream. It has been a while since I have had what I would consider a normal dream, without the terror, although this one was far from normal. Maybe it would be scary to some, but this one wasn't oddly enough. It started out with me going to the town I grew up in. I parked my car in my old driveway and went out for the evening. When I returned, my car had been completely stripped! Like everything. The tires were off, the plates were removed and even the roof was stolen. I was mad and then I saw him. The thief hiding under the car holding all of my tires. I know, I know, not possible in real life, but possible in my head. He started to take off and I grabbed him, dragged him into the house I grew up in and straddled him, pinning him down. I yelled at him for taking my stuff. But my anger subsided as my attraction for him grew. I felt his aroused penis below me, so I offered him sexual favours in return for my car parts. He threw me off and laughed and then sauntered away, with my tires and everything else.

I picked my self up and got into my "car". I drove, no tires and all, to an ex boyfriend's house. I guess I thought maybe he could fix my car. Did I mention through all of this I am wearing my most recent bride's maid dress? When I got there, not only was JR completely green, but all of his things were too. I went into his room which was filled with Halloween decorations and furry jackets. Green Halloween decorations and furry jackets. I begged for his help and we got into my car, again with no tires, and headed to my high school reunion. Not a mechanics, not the police, my high school reunion. From the car I called the insurance company who told me there was nothing they could do. We arrive at this reunion there is only a big room filled with twin mattresses. Everyone setting up sleeping bags and pillows on them. I decided this is strange, so JR and I head to the next room which is a bug zoo. Like the bug zoo I used to work at. We look at the scorpions and I knock over a tank. I go to pick it up and my silk scarf gets stuck in the cage. I lift it out looking for anything that may be attached to it, confident that all the scorpions have stayed in the cage. And then it happens, I look down to see a scorpion hidden in my dress and it stings me on the mouth. At once, I feel my lip and whole right side of my face begin to swell. I run to find the owner of the bug zoo who tells me the scorpion sting is nothing worse than a bee sting. That makes me feel better and I wonder back to the reunion with my swollen face to set up my sleeping quarters. Then it happens, for a moment, my face starts to feel better, less swollen. But, the relief is only momentary as the swelling gets worse and worse. I run outside to find my car with no tires or roof to drive to the doctors. On my way out, I run into my cowokers who have all lost enormous amounts of weight. They stop me and want to talk, so I do........and then I wake up. Weird? Yeah, definitely weird.

Something's Wrong with Ben....

At least he is good looking! Ben, my weatherpixie, is reporting that it is raining. I just came from outside, no rain. I haven't seen it rain all day. Maybe Ben has been partaking in the BC bud....

Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole...

Last year, my gay husband introduced me to Rufus Wainwright, an unbelievably talented Canadian singer who I adore. He comes from a family on singers and is oozing with talent! You may know him best for the song Hallelujah from the Shrek soundtrack. If you ever get a chance to see him in concert, go, he is magical. Well, his sister Martha has just recently come out with a CD and talent is definitely in the family! My all time favourite track, Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole! Brilliance, sheer brilliance....

I think this one is right!

This one, I totally think is right! Before I went to Paris, I never thought I would be happy living any other place that Victoria. Wrong, I could live in Paris in a heartbeat. Man I miss the pain au chocolat, the rudeness and the coffee....

Your Inner European is French!

Smart and sophisticated. You have the best of everything - at least, *you* think so.

Who's Your Inner European?

My God, I Think the Test is Wrong.....

You Are 70% Normal (Really Normal)

Otherwise known as the normal amount of normal You're like most people most of the time But you've got those quirks that make you endearing You're unique, yes... but not frighteningly so!

How Normal Are You?

This Woman is Giving All Us Girls a Bad Rep....

So, my friend Marleybone Coach posted this little ditty on her blog:

Woman caught trying to smuggle fish into Australia under her skirt

"During the search, customs officers became suspicious after hearing 'flipping' noises coming from the vicinity of her waist," the Australian Customs Service said in a press release.

Apparently, the woman had 15 plastic water-filled bags holding fish allegedly concealed inside an apron underneath her skirt....it gives new life to the old saying....if it tastes like chicken, keep on licking, if it tastes like trout, get the hell out......

The Longest Yard...

...is not a bad movie, not a bad movie at all. Mr. took me out on Tuesday night to help me through a crazy ass panic attack and we ended up going to the movies. We didn't know what to see, so we picked one and it was good. Even for a girl who knows nothing about football or being in jail!

Friskysheepbaa....

So, a couple weeks ago, my friend Mr. came for a visit. We decided to show each other crazy things on the internet, a favourite past time of ours. I showed him the Llama Llama Duck song and Papa Smurf Can I Lick Your Ass, two of the funniest things I have seen online in a while. I guess the ass-licking reminded him of a site he had seen before, a funny site, Adult Friend Finder. Now, for those of you who haven't visited this site before, it is a place for adults to hook up with other adults for, how you say, the intimate encounters. The best part about the whole site, people actually post pictures of their genitals to get you interested in their profile. The problem, we couldn't peruse the many Victoria Men and their fabulous peni without a free account, so Mr. decided to sign me up! My code name, Friskysheepbaa!

This is the profile he wrote for me that he thought would get everyone attention:

I want to fuck all night long...

give it to me baby'

do you have the stamina?

What am I looking for?

a real man.

you have to know what your doing. you have to be enthusiastic!


And apparently it has....I just checked my hotmail, apparently a lot of men and couples want to get with the Friskysheepbaa. I have been averaging 5 interested emails a day from people in my town. Who knew so many people in Victoria were into intimate encounters? I am interested in finding out who has gone online and picked up someone for sex only. I must say the idea is kinda appealing, but I am not sure if I would have the guts to do it. I do know some people who have, mostly to fulfill fetishes or to add a third to their bedroom antics. Maybe I should reply to some of these people...hmmmm....

Worst Reality TV Show Ever....

So, I admit it. I just spend an hour of my life watching the worst reality TV show ever made, but give me a break, I am sick. The name of this monstrosity, Dancing with the Stars on ABC. If you like ballroom dancing combined with washed up stars from New Kids and The Bachelor, then this show is for you. The highlight, watching Evander Holyfield dance the cha cha cha......

Noises from above....

Okay, I am bad. I haven't posted in a couple days. The excuse - I am once again down with the plague. Yup, I think I may have exhausted myself too much over the wedding week. C'est la vie!

Okay, so this morning I was trying to get a little healing sleep when the strangest noises came from above me. Most of you know, I love in a remodelled character home. I live on the bottom floor and I am used to hearing people walking or doors opening and closing, but this noise is different. It has been going on for over an hour and it sounds like someone is dragging around a dead body and cleaning up blood. Do you guys think I have watched too much 24 lately? Me thinks...

On another note, something is up with my belly button. Something odd. It is bleeding. Okay, I know that is gross, but have anyone ever had their belly button bleed? I am the girl of mysterious bruising and injuries, but my belly button is well protected. Anyhoo, any advice?

Nude Pictures....

No, no, you sickos, not of me. Well, I am going to talk about me and nude pictures but there is no way in hell I would ever post any on my blog. I want to keep my fans! Okay, but lately, the topic of nudie pics has come up. It all started back in March when Spikey Haired Boy told me I should take nude pics and sell them. Apparently fat chick "porn" is quite popular. To be quite honest, I actually considered it. Not the porn part, but the nude pictures part. But then, I can't stand to look at myself in regular, fully clothed photos, I can't imagine what I would think of my entireness spread eagle on a bearskin rug.

But, nude pictures has once again entered my brain, but in an entirely different way. You see, I still talk to three guys via MSN messenger that I met months ago on Lavalife. I am not expecting anything to come out of these cyber friendships, but it is a nice way to pass the time on a boring evening. Of the three, one of them I chat and flirt innocently with, one of them is a sexual fiend who I must admit I have practiced my erotic novelist skills on and the last one I don't talk to very often as our schedules conflict. But I did talk to him last night. He begged me to take nude pictures of myself and send them to him. He was also very drunk. Now, maybe I am a prude, or maybe I am just cynical and think I would find myself online one day, but I just can't see myself doing that for a complete stranger.

But, it brings up an interesting point...how many of you have taken nudie pics of yourself? With the advent of digital cameras, it is much much much easier to partake in amateur porn that is was a few years ago. Heck, my sister even has a nude bondage picture of her girlfriend on her cell phone. Maybe I should just grin and "bare-it" and get my chunky ass in front of a camera.....or maybe I will stick to words, I seem to be better with them. So, tell me your nude photo stories. Afraid they will show up somewhere? Have they? I am very very curious....