Undies

I think I have a problem. I just did laundry and counted 25 pairs of clean undies. And there were two in my drawer. And one on me. And, then there's the gross period underwear that gets pulled out once in a while. Do I have an underwear problem?

Flaner

 I want to flaner.

Missable

I don't know how to be missable. Desired. Wanted. I don't. I think I think about them a lot more than they think about me. For them, I'm a moment, for me, they're a lifetime. How do you be someone who is missed? How do you be wanted?

Visualization

I use visualization to quiet my mind. It just seems lately I'm throwing a bunch of people over a cliff. Poof, you're gone into the void. I don't think it's probably a prescribed way of visualizing. But, poof, it makes them disappear. 

The Loser

Each day just shows me I will never ever be someones choice. I will never come first. No one will ever choose me. I have to accept I will never win. I will never ben chosen. I will always be second best, or 90th best, or never best. I will come in last. Always.

Change and Pain

I was told today in DBT the reason they assess and screen us so long for the program is that you have to be ready for change and the pain that comes with it. Gaining self respect is hard. Examining your relationships is hard. It's much easier to stay with the status quo. I'm in pain. But I'm trying not to suffer.

Fairy Tales

I guess some people do get the fairy tales. I guess they're worthy of love and apologies. I guess they are worthy of being missed. Maybe I'm too ugly. Too fat. Too broken. Maybe I am just worth of being alone.

Hurt

I sometimes really make poor choices when I comes to my friends. I do allow myself to be used. And in return, they can't even give me a heads up. I suppose bravery and communication are hard for some. And since I'm cleaning house, maybe true colours being apparent isn't a bad thing.

Water

Some days are just about staying hydrated.

First

Have you ever been put first? What does that feel like? I've gone my whole life being 2nd, or 90th, or last. No one, not even myself has put me first. What's it like?

Peeing on a Stick

I peed on a stick the other day. Just in case. I'm so irregular with my periods, I thought it might be a good idea just to make sure. I mean, it seems so impossible, but there have been people. And I haven't always been safe with those claiming to have vasectomies. It was negative. And I was relieved.

Vision Board

I haven't been able to hope much lately. Any spark of hope has quickly been extinguished in the past two years. Anything good, or what I thought might be good, has ended bad. Hasn't turned out. Has done its best to destroy me. So, I've stopped hoping for good things. I've stopped looking for the good. Why? If it just turns out bad in the long run? The excitement, turns to pain. The job I thought I would love, sucks. The man who came back into my life, gets charged with sexual interference. The loves, the hope, they leave me in brutal ways. I gain self respect, I lose friends. It's a lonely place. So, I don't often think about what I want. What I hope for. But this is what I want:

- friends who will sit in the muck with me just like I would do for them, the ability to ask them for help, and not to be drained by interactions

- a love who loves me like I love them. Who fights for me. Who wants me for me, not the me who consoles, supports them and I get nothing in return. Something true, something I can trust, something I won't run from. Someone who thinks I'm beautiful.

- for the shaking in my limbs to be resolved. And not something scary.

- a job wear I can contribute and I'm appreciated. To make a difference with my creativity and brain. I'm smart, I'm creative, I wish that was seen. With the money to comfortably support myself. To not have to use food banks. To be able to travel.

- moments of peace and happiness. I realize life is painful but lately seems to be a string of pain, a string of abandonment, a stretch of darkness. I'd like some light, Some peace.

It doesn't seem like a lot. Yet, it's so out of sight.

Quiet

I have some quiet tonight. Some radical acceptance. The knowledge that I have made good decisions lately and maybe escaped a few traps. Being lonely is better than being used.

Who do you turn to?

That is a good question.

The Joy

I spent today discussing the missing joy, the missing contribution, the missing spark in my life. I'm not sure how to find it.

Discomfort

I tried to go to acupuncture a couple weeks ago. I thought I was ready. I thought I could do it. I was hoping it would be the same healing experience it has been in my past. My safe place. I went to a new clinic, with a lovely practitioner I trust and knew. And I lasted about 15 minutes in the chair. 14.5 of which I was fighting back tears, pace breathing, regulating emotions. Something that had once been so powerfully healing, calming, loving, just isn't anymore. So, I had my needles pulled and I left. And I was sad. I'm not sure if I will try it again. It's strange that something once so healing is now a huge trigger.

Recognize

Sometimes I wonder if I ran into someone who I used to know a grillion years ago...if they'd recognize me? No physically, but the me I am now? Would they see the changes? Or am I the same in a slightly different package? Would they be excited to see me, to catch up? Or would they turn and walk away?

The Pit

Man, it takes a lot of work to climb back out of the pit. It's been a crappy few weeks.