Go go immune system

Wowsers, I'm having a super strong reaction to the AZ vaccine. I've been in bed all day with chills, a crazy headache, body aches, vomiting and nausea, and a very tired body. But, my body's fighting hard. I can't imagine what Covid is like. Back to bed.

Super duper hottie guy

A ridiculously hot man just superliked me on Tinder. Now, I'm thinking this is a mistake superlike. And it happens a lot. I did it to my friend's nephew. But dude is hot. Like, all I want to do it lick every square inch of his body. And that's all I'd be thinking about if we spoke. So, here's the question, can a "non" hot person date a "really" hot person? I mean, I'm sexy and my personality and sexuality goes a long way, but I'm not hot. So, can you date someone way our of your zone? Lick lick lick.

The Big Snuggle

I could really use The Big Snuggle. My bed feels quite lonely tonight. And I'm definitely missing sex right now, but I think what I want is some intimacy. Someone to know who I really am. Someone to hold me. Some safety.

Thank goodness for body pillows and Otter.

Opposite Action to Love

With me, sometimes love doesn't fit the facts. I love those who have treated me so poorly. Actively thinking about them, activity giving them space in my world. And even though I will always have love for these people, but I don't actively need them around. Which is hard nowadays with social media. It's far too easy for something to pop up into your feed. A little field of landmines to negotiate every time I pick up my phone. To have posts pop up due to other friends or to actively look at their profiles in the middle of the night when I am deep deep deep into emotions mind. 

There was a video posted several days ago that snuck up on me. Some thing I had recommended this person to do over a year ago to strengthen their business. And, just at the moment of moving forward, there's his face.

You've heard me lament about "Opposite Action" and how damn fucking hard it is. Doing the exact opposite to what your emotions are telling you to do. Urging you to do. It's really awful. But it works. So, what do you do when your love doesn't really fit the facts? And you can't simply turn off love or delete that person from your mind? Opposite action. Stop expressing love for this person. Switch your mind when you think of them and change your body posture. Remember what they did to hurt you. Don't speak of them. And do all you can to avoid them. And that includes social media. 

So, using my wise mind, I finally blocked some accounts this morning. And it was sad. I feel sad doing it. Like the final nail in the coffin. But the hope must go. The hope for an apology. The hope that I might mean more, that my friendship meant something. Opposite action. It's torture.

Thanks wise mind.

Hope

I think a lot about hope. A lot. And I actually think hope can be a dangerous thing. I had a moment of hope last year, a moment to think my future might be something that I wanted. And that hope was whisked away in a pretty violent manner. So, why do we hope? When it is hope that is often destroyed? Why do we dream? Does this dreaming, this hoping just set us up for impossible expectations that never seem to be fulfilled. Is hope actually dangerous? I don't know. I believe in goals, in striving to be better. But maybe hope doesn't have a place. Maybe it's best just to stay present. To not wish for what you want and radically accept the world and the present for what it is. A hopeless word seems a little cold and bleak, but maybe a hopeless world would stop some of the pain. You can't miss something you never hoped for. This is where I am.

A feeling has come over me...

Je suis tres desole ce soir. It sounds better en francais. But I am so sad tonight.

Hug

I used to have a friend who hugged me so tight and long that it felt like he was holding my pieces together for a brief moment. Pieces of sadness I try so very hard to press together every moment of my life like a sand castle made of dry sand. It was rest. It was joy. It was 10 seconds of safety and love. 10 seconds of silence and warmth. 10 seconds where I didn't have to hold myself together. I could really use that hug right now.

3.0?

Well, 2.0 has met someone else. Someone who I think was willing to meet with him during this third Covid wave. I'm a little disappointed I wasn't good enough for him to wait for considering it was his idea originally not to meet until the Covid numbers had decreased. But, I think I would rather have someone who respected the rules and didn't flip flop about meeting. And really, there isn't a shortage of boys lining up to meet me. I'm actually a damn fine catch. Cakeman and I still hook up from time to time even though he says confusing things like "I see my future when I look in your eyes." And who knows, maybe Eden the stuffer will turn out not to want to stuff me. Plus there has always been a friend in the wings who may want more. I'd much rather not get Covid and meet some of these guys down the road. Throwing it over to you universe (which I never ever do). Since you won't send me the one I want, surprise me with a little bit of joy.

Vaccination scheduled next week. That brings we more joy than anything.

The Stars...

I miss my nights under the stars. Staring up at the sky for hours, searching for constellations, wishing on stars. Oh the excitement of seeing a shooting star. I need to bring that joy back to my life. That quiet. That stillness. 

The Garden of Eden?

There's a new Tinder boy tonight, Eden. Super nice and friendly. He like chubby girls and deep belly buttons. Checks on those. 

Alas, I get the sense he might be a "stuffer." And the last stuffer, I did not like. I'm trying not the prejudge but I don't want to be all about the food. I mean, god, I love food. Love it. But, I also love hockey and pink skies and dancing in the parking lot and all things geeky and weird. I also do love pleasing people and helping them achieve their fantasies, so maybe adding an eclair to my bedroom routine isn't necessarily a bad thing? But not an entire pizza and ice cream cake like SHB wanted. Bletch. 

Frost in the Spring

"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,   

But I have promises to keep,   

And miles to go before I sleep,   

And miles to go before I sleep."

                                        - Robert Frost

Bags

I always have two bags with me. They go everywhere I go. I clutch them, I balance them everyday, all day. They always are in the way of everything I do. Like coming home from the grocery store and juggling bags in your arms to be able to unlock your door, I constantly fumble with my bags throughout life. One is filled with sadness, one is filled with shame. They are heavy. They are tiring, and I never seem to be able to put them down or hand them off to others. They are mine to constantly carry. 

Opposite Action #2

Why the fuck is opposite action so damn fucking tough at 9:30pm at night? You know it's going to make you upset. You know. But you just can't help yourself. 

Time to dunk my head in a bucket of ice. 

#dbtskills #distresstolerance #oppositeaction #baddecisionsafterninepm #sad #mad #socialmediaatnightsucks #nocredit #whydidntyoujustlistentomeayearago #used #atleastapartofyoulistenedevenifyoudontrememberwhatisaid #ineedtobringbackmeaningtomylife #putdownyourdamnphone

Credit

I like credit. I like the kudos, the 'ata boy. It feels good. It's what I'm used to....the gold star means you did something good. Recently, I inspired a million dollar mental health campaign via a comment I made on a friend's social media post about my blue heart. One small comment that hopefully will inspire people to give to others with blue hearts and mental health struggles. And my friend has given me credit. Acknowledged my role and thanked me. It feels good.

I don't know why it bothers me, but I really dislike someone else taking my credit. I'm free with my ideas, with my help but it sucks when you give advice and months later someone presents it as their own idea, their own thing. No credit. Do they forget? Do they really think it's their idea? I mean, I shouldn't need the gold star, but I'm really tired of others taking things away from me and not even acknowledging I was a part of their success. I sometimes wonder if this is just another way I lose my voice. Being heard, being dismissed, being looted, and no smelly sticker as a reward. I think we need to bring back the smelly stickers and gold star. Give credit where credit is due.

To anyone out there feeling the same, I see you. I see your work. Your ideas are great. Gold star my friend, gold star.

Save the love, throw away the rest

My first love was a two parter. A nine month beginning with a two year sequel several years later. When we got back together, I was surprised to see he had kept my love notes and poems and doodles from our first go 'round. In fact, he has a small stack squirrelled in his sock drawer of lovely memories, and love notes. He showed them to me one sleepy afternoon. He said his grandfather had once told him to "save all the love that is given to you and throw away the rest." And so he did. Sometimes I wonder if my love is still tucked away neatly in his drawer along with the others before and after me. I'd like to think I'm there. A happy memory, an early love that taught him lessons he has brought into his future. And since he showed them to me, I have also kept my love. In a box, underneath my bed, in screenshots and photos, I hang onto the love. Love isn't something you should recycle or throw away. Save the love...and throw away the rest.

Dreams

Me: *at the end of a session, quickly explaining to my therapist the strange dreams I've had this week involving zombies, cougars, and being trapped in a shopping mall limbo between life and death*

Therapist: "I don't even know where to start with the myriad of themes brought up my those. Next week."

To you...

When I heard you had reached out to Colleen weeks ago, I admit for a moment I thought I might be next. I thought you may have recognized the way you treated me was wrong. That I was one of the many people you needed to talk to. I thought for a moment I might get an apology, I might get my moment to speak my voice, my truth. I thought for a brief moment, I might be heard. Something that was taken away from me. I have been struggling with how to be heard, going back and forth on how to do that and honour my values. So many people - professional or not - have told me to report you. Begged me to report you. And even though I have gone back and forth and gathered oodles of evidence, I know that's not how I want this to end. And I don't want to hurt the people you employ or treat. 

So when I heard you reached out, I thought I might get my chance. But weeks later, it's pretty apparent I will get no apology. No explanation. No closure from you. So, I'm writing this. To be heard. Probably just by the one person in Portugal who reads this blog. But at least it's one person who might get to hear my side, my voice.

You said to me several times that you were "the most honest person in the world." This, this is just not true. You may think you are honest, or you only lie to protect people, but you told me several lies. And I believed them. And to be frank, I have no idea what was the truth and what wasn't. That I was family, that you loved me, that you would never abandon me. Those statements don't fit the facts. You would never treat someone you love they way you treated me. And you were gone. At the first trial of things, I was abandoned.

You also said you never had propositioned Colleen and had no interest in her. And you said you had gone off Tinder and weren't interested in dating. You had no time for that. But, out of left field, you're in love. And that awful Saturday when you had come directly into the clinic from your 3rd date, I knew you would be gone from my life soon. Because you had used me for the support you needed and you didn't need me any longer. You had tasted the heroine. You had already changed in the span of a week. I don't know if you lied to protect me. But, lies aways hurt more than the truth, and the truth will out.

I have been silenced all my life. Not allowed to speak up. And if I did, I was either shamed or laughed at or sent to be by myself. My feelings were never validated. I had to be perfect and silent to be loved. Your quick change from my friend back to my practitioner, just solidified this. One of my therapists actually called it "gaslighting." And you gaslighted me. You made me feel crazy for thinking we had a friendship, for thinking that there was more to us than a patient and acupuncturist. To go from talking to 3am, cooking dinners, working on the business, telling our darkest secrets to each other, to what? Nothing? That I'm just a patient? What was that? And honestly, when I described our relationship and the things you had said to me, everyone stated that it was an emotional affair. You may not have seen it that way, but I wasn't wrong for developing the feelings I did. In actuality as it has been pointed out to me, for several months, we basically in a relationship without sex. Talking all the time, supporting each other, being family. And you saying that to me. Repeatedly.

You said "no one in to blame" when you fired me. I would counter that. We both are to blame. And, honestly, as my practitioner, you held the power. So ultimately, you are to blame. I was incredibly vulnerable. I had just come off a suicide attempt and three weeks in a mental institution. And then the pandemic hit. You were quick to lean on me after the disintegration of your marriage. You used me as a counsellor. You knew it was wrong. You said that if the college ever found out you would be in trouble. And you let it happen. And I let it happen. And the crazy thing is, I don't regret the friendship. I would have chosen the friendship every time. But you did use me. And I let that happen. It is my pattern. Emotional, needy, broken men use me to fix their lives. When I express my wants and needs, I am psycho chick who loves them. And then I'm abandoned. I'm abandoned just at the moment when I'm able to be honest, when my voice is spoken out loud. And once again, it's enforced that speaking up gets me no where. It leaves me alone.

And even after all of this, I think the issue I have the most problem with is the way you left things. Agreeing to meet and talk with me and then springing on me at the last minute hours before that meeting that a 3rd party had to be there. And when I declined to do that, nothing. Not one single word. If I am your patient, which at this point is the only way you viewed me, did you know you have an ethical responsibility to ensure my care was continuous? I was just starting my DBT program and getting treated by you three times a week. Your clinic was my safe home. And that was yanked away. Via text while you were on a ferry. No call. No conversation. A text. You didn't say I could be treated at your clinic by someone else, you didn't even give me suggestions of where else I could go to be treated and make an introduction. You dropped me. A vulnerable person, fighting suicidal ideation was dropped. And yes, if I had taken my life, it wouldn't be your fault. But you don't know how dark I went. You just walked away. From your friend, from your patient. You turned away and let me sink. Do you know I haven't been able to get acupuncture since this has happened? Did you know I've had to utilize the food bank throughout the fall because I thought I might have that income from doing your social media and phone calls? Did you ever once trust in me? You put your faith into colleagues and mentors and a jealous girl who you knew less than two weeks. Where was the faith in me? And to just text Jenn and say I was her responsibility now? Seriously? Like I was a nuisance pet who peed on the rug that someone else had to deal with. Did you ever think about her in this? I don't think you cared about anyone else but yourself and your new love.

When you texted Colleen to explain you were no longer in another "toxic relationship", you said you felt like you were whisked away by "fairies and gypsies." You may feel like that, but make no mistake, you made choices. YOU made choices. And owning up and apologizing for those choices and taking ownership - not blaming them on mystical forces - is the only way you'll get forgiveness. I 100% know that even if I hadn't told you about my romantic feelings, or being my favourite person, the same thing would have happened. You did it to Colleen, you would have done it to me. The process was just expedited.

I wish you would have trusted me. Trusted that I could see you. Trusted that I saw this toxic relationship coming. One of the last things I wrote you you was "don't simply fade into someone else's world." I'm hoping you're bringing back the colour to yours.

There was a moment one night when we we sitting outside your house listening to music, quoting lyrics back and forth. And you looked at me and said "I don't really know what's going on here." And that was the moment I knew I wanted more from you. And it scared me. And I got up and left. I have no idea what you even meant by that, but at that moment I felt like you could see me and I could see you. The good, the bad. Maybe I should have pulled away. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut and suffered in silence. But that moment kept replaying in my mind and I really thought you wouldn't do anything to hurt me. That you had me. That you understood me. That maybe this time it would be different. I was wrong. I never expected you to love me, not in that way. I knew it wasn't allowed. I just needed you to know. Needed you to know why I was so sad and hurt. And after the way you reacted to me telling you about Lucas, I never thought, never ever thought, you would just drop me. I thought I wouldn't be able to be treated by you. I thought I would get over you. I thought you would still be my friend.

So, here we are after 8 months of silence. Me trying to figure out how to be heard and you navigating life on your own. It sounds from your own admission like you hurt a lot of people. Maybe you will take my advice this time: Don't wait to reach out to them. Time only makes the rifts larger, the apologies harder. Own what you did. Be genuine and make it up to people, especially your kids, with actions not just words. Show you care. Focus on your business. Never, ever do this again. You deserve love. Not toxic attachment, genuine love. Someone who looks back at you with the same love you look at them with. Equals. If your patients are only patients in your eyes, treat them that way. Don't be their friends. Don't tell them your personal problems. Heal them and let someone else heal you.

It bothers me that I miss you. After all of this, I miss you. I want to tell you things. I want to laugh. I want to tell you how hards it's been. I want to send you music and writing and poems. I want to know how you are. I think about you every day. And you haunt my dreams to laugh at me, or ignore me, or punish me. I hope this makes the hauntings stop. I want to remember the good of you.

And I do still love you. You will always have my love, that is something I'll never take away. You also now have my forgiveness. I forgive you. And even though I will never get your apology, I'd like to think you maybe learned something from me, from this. And maybe I'll see your face one day walking at the lagoon. And I'll be happy to meet your eyes, and you'll be happy to see mine and we'll remember the short time when we meant the world to each other as we walk by each other in silence.

This is my truth, this is my voice.

Thank you.
I love you.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
I forgive you.
Good bye.

I did something bad...

Thanks to DBT, I work hard to make decisions from a wise mind place (not just based on emotions) and those in line with my values. Last night, I didn't do that. And I feel bad. Ashamed. Lesson learned.

Being Responsible

2.0 has thwarted my attempt to be slutty. As has the universe. And it's probably for the best.

I can't help but feel a little rejected. But I think I have to believe him when he says it Covid. And he's right. All the rule breakers are fucking us over. And I should follow the rules.

Man, I need a cat. #lonely

2.0

Well, Tinder's made another match. As he has the same name as the boy from the fall, we'll call him 2.0. He seems like a smart fella with a big interest in nerdy science things, the environment, and a few of the randy things I like very much myself. And a girthy cock. 

I'm thinking it's a good upgrade; I'm going to fuck him Tuesday. Yup, you read that right. I'm full on slutty Cas. We were waiting on meeting due to the rampant 3rd covid wave, but we've both been super safe and I kind want to break the rules like everyone else. My therapist calls it alternate rebellion. 

2.0's a little younger than me and has already proposed marriage. I'm wondering if that's a bad sign? I guess we'll see. But iPhones keep getting better and better, shouldn't Tinder boys? Stay tuned.

**Update: I wrote this. Got up. Went pee. Wiped away blood. UNIVERSE SABOTAGE! I don't get my period for months at a time, and now? Now! Lol.

Fuck.

How I feel today:

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck. Fuuuucccckkkkkkkk. Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fuck.

I'm tired.