Mafia

"It's like you have the mafia inside your head." Oddly enough that's not the first times I've heard that.

It's me

 I feel it's al my fault. I went through all that, I dragged that all up, and I feel it was my fault. Sigh. Is it worth bringing up the trauma? Nope.

Change

I think it's sad so many people live a life without self awareness and repeat the same patterns over and over and over and over. Stop. Be curious why the same things happen to you. And then look inside. What are you doing. to cause this pattern. Because it all isn't just the world around you. Take responsibility of your own actions.

Fat

I watch a fair amount of sitcoms. They are easy. Big Bang, Office, Friends, shows that are old favourites and don't increase anxiety. But the thing they all have in common....fat people aren't attractive. Fat people are gross and to be laughed at. So, I'm fat. I guess they're right.

Disgust

At the route of my complex PTSD is disgust. I am disgusting. So how do you change that narrative? I don't know.

3 more months of dbt. 6 more weeks of group.

My cousin died at 50.

Have a really learned anything?

Time to submit my complaint and regain a little self respect.