A feeling of sadness has come over me...

Emotions. I'm a highly sensitive person with giant emotions. My emotions are so big, so overwhelming, that they scare the crap out of me. Given the choice, I would rather be physically harmed than have to tolerate some of them. But I am learning. Learning to tolerate, learning to accept. Today a feeling of sadness has come over me. It's uncomfortable. It hurts. But I feel it. Without judgement.

Sex or love?

I dated J through the fall. He was sweet, he was nice, he was boring, and he was too attached. But the sex, oh the sex. Toe curling, panty dropping sex. Sex 4 to 5 times a night. Sex, sex, sex. 

I moved on to someone else at the beginning of the year. J was planning a life I didn't see for us. So, I decided to eat cake. Cake that I have wanted for 9 years. And it's comfortable and fun and full of communication and laughs. 

But the sex....it's not there yet. It's okay but there are a few issues that need to be shaken out. So, what's more important? The sex or the connection? Sex is something I've never had to work at, so can it turn great after a little work? And what if it needs to be kinky all the time to get him off? Can too much porn ruin someone for basic vanilla sex? Or, is it just getting older? Maybe Kinky Cas just needs to kick things up a notch....bring on the ball gag.  

Quelqu'un m'a dit...

Quelqu'un m'a dit...that you are unhappy. I don't think I want to know this fact. I actually don't really know if I believe it. Rumours rarely turn out to have teeth. I want you to be happy as you gave up a lot for this life. But, quelqu'un m'a dit...that you are being controlled by someone else's insecurities. That you want things to change.

I'm not your friend anymore, so I am sure my advice means nothing, but I will scream this at the wind in hopes it may help you out. Stop being a coward. Stop picking women who control you. Stop fading into someone else's life and fucking live your own. Yup, being lonely sucks. But living a life with someone just because you're scared to be alone is worse. And you, my friend, are scared.

We talked about you today in DBT. Because I have been releasing you and forgiving you but you still show up in my dreams to either laugh at me or refuse to speak to me. I've been told I'm missing a step. Anger. Anger for invalidating my feelings, anger for doing exactly to me what the abusers of my past did even though you knew my trauma, anger for (hopefully unintentionally?) cementing that I am unlovable and that expressing my feelings lead to abandonment. So, I'm going to be pissed for a while. I'm not going to offer you forgiveness. And that's okay. And I hope the hauntings stop.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EelX_LwPHbA

Addicts

 Are we all just addicts in some way? The men who seem to love me seem to have an addition. To substance, to sex, to me. So, are we all just addicts? Am I addicted to loneliness and pain instead of opioids and alcohol? And, why do I become their addiction to fix the others?

Anniversaries...

**Warning: This post discusses suicide which may be triggering to some**

It's the anniversary of my suicide attempt. One year ago today, I sat numbly in my bathroom taking handfuls of precisely cut pills for maximum damage. I wanted to die, I was ready to die. And I thought I would never wake up again once I stumbled to my bed. But I did wake up. In a hospital after days of delusions, days of being strapped to a bed, days of being guarded. It's all still very hazy and it's probably best that it is. 

To be honest, the year that has followed hasn't been easy. It's probably been one of the hardest of my life. I still wish sometimes I was successful. But I'm learning. I'm learning to live with the pain. I'm learning that you can be in great pain but still have moments of joy. It's the suffering that's optional. So today I reflect. Today, I am gentle with myself. Today, I reached out because I needed to. I am here today. And I'll be here tomorrow.

Advice for my Niece

Friends can break your heart just as badly as romantic relationships...it's just that no one talks about that.

Where did it all go?

What happened to kindness? To truth? To loving something other than yourself? There's so much violence, so much hate, so much focus on ourselves...when did we stop being kind? Or really, are humans just meant to be selfish animals? I see people destroying their country, I see people putting others in harms way for a selfish drink with friends or a dinner over the holidays. Why can't people follow the fucking rules? Because they are selfish. Because they are unkind. Because they care about no one but themselves. This is the norm. Kindness is seen as a weakness. Overrated. The only things that maters to most is themselves. I am weary on the lack on kindness I see. And here I though 2021 would be better.