Tha Want

All I want is to stop and rest in someone's heart forever. Not simply pass through making marks, sit there, stay there, be known there, love there. And have them sit in mine.

Wondering today if the pattern is again repeating. Maybe it's just easier to sit in my black and blue heart.

Leopards

The old saying is leopards don't change their spots. And, although, some people change, change takes courage and self reflection and a ton of work. And if that hasn't happen, the spots stay. I finally spoke my voice. Directly to the person who needed to hear it. I honestly thought I was blocked or the email would have been deleted without being read. And that didn't bother me. It was about me speaking up. Me telling my truth.

I did get a response. A very formal one. It did not contain the words "I'm sorry." It did say "I carry a good amount of sorrow and regret from that time." I'm not sure what a "good amount" is but if you're sorry, say it, even if your trying to skirt a lawsuit. Is a "good amount" bigger than none but not as much as some? Or just under sometimes if you're in the right mood? My therapist laughed and mentioned the leopard. D said "that guy is fucked." And Jenn, well, Jenn just better not run into him.

I poke, but honestly, that's not what matters. I've long since given up on apologies and friendships with people who don't work to make amends. Or are never the ones to reach out. I had to. And it's sad really. As my true friends know, I'm a pretty incredible person to have in your life.

Hot

Hhhhhhhhhhooooooooooooootttttttttttttttttttt! It's so hot! And I have a date tonight and all I want to do is lay in my tub. I'm not built for the heat. And, I'm heading to Abbotsford on Monday where it's even hotter. So hot, they are probably cancelling my nephew's grad. *Sob*

Bravery

I get told I'm brave. I get told this a lot. And it's something I would never consider myself as. I just kinda do my thing. I do speak my mind when I am pushed, I do fight the darkness in my mind, I do get up everyday, I do trudge through. And I suppose that is brave. I don't know if it has gotten me much, but, there you go. My bravery has been confirmed by many people.

So, sometimes I wonder if this innate bravery, this skill I don't even know I have, gives me limited patience for cowardice. The people who don't admit when they are wrong, the people who won't admit to their role in situations, the people who are afraid to say "I fucked up" and just walk away or avoid physically or with words, I have no time for that. Life is about being brave. To live, really live, you must be brave. Cowardice begets more cowardice and just makes you suffer. It just becomes a way of life. And instead of fixing and moving forward, you just stay stuck. Those things you want to change never will, because you are afraid. Fear holds you back. Fear will drag you under. 

So try. Try to be brave. Try to speak how you feel. Try not to let fear be your north star. Because it won't lead you ahead...it only leads you back. And that is a sad thing to watch.

The Graduate

My nephew graduates high school on Tuesday. His graduation will not be like mine...one of the best days of my life. I was celebrated and I knew I was escaping to freedom soon. The pictures of me just show this giant toothy smile. The Class of 2021 really haven't been able to celebrate much and my nephew's diploma celebration will consist of him and two adults of his choosing. And that's it. When I talked to his dad about going over, J said he couldn't make it but his son was okay with that. Now, I know my nephew....and he's me. If I had a kid, he'd be him. And I knew he was upset. He just would never say anything. So I offered to go over. And he was so excited. So excited in fact he took two days off of work so we could hang out. And so did his older sister.

I'm so fortunate to have these close connection with my eldest niece and nephew. And damn, they are awesome people. My niece is designing me a semicolon tattoo that I might let her burn into my skin if she gets the proper tools. They love me without judgement as I do them. They do ridiculous things with me. We talked about everything, including mental health. 

I need to remind me my Dad would love me the same way. That he would be proud no matter where my life's gone. My DBT session last week got a little heavy into Daddy issues. Feeling like I've let him down, that I didn't live up to the heavy expectations the world had of me. I would hope he would love me like I love Josh and not be disappointed in me. I live with a lot of shame...mostly of my own making. I wish I could put that down and just be proud of myself.

Slow

Me: Maybe I should be more like Jenn and be able to dive in quickly.

D: Slow is real. And real can turn into a lifetime if our endings match up. 

A lifetime sounds wonderful to me.

Tearing Down Walls

I fucked D on Friday. After a week of stupid hot phone calls, I fucked him. I fucked him good. And wow, I have some incredible chemistry with the boy.

But, we both noticed something as I left rather quickly that evening. We both lead with out sexuality. We both put up walls with our sexuality. It's way easier to lead with sex than it is with feelings. Every time he'd looked deep into my eyes, I'd grab his cock. The intimacy was hard.

And I really felt odd coming home that night. I couldn't quite put my finger on it. After leg shaking, earth quaking, multiple orgasm sex, something didn't feel right. And he felt it too. He told me he never wanted to be with me like that again. Yes, for sure the sex part, but he too felt off when I left so quickly. He wanted to be sure to tell me he doesn't want me for just the sex. That I mean more.

So how do we navigate this? The feels? And how do you break down your walls? I will find out tonight. With less of a focus on the sex and more of a focus on the connection. Sex is easy. It's the rest that's a little stickier.

To my Dad...

 The way you loved, makes me want to love. Miss you.

Urges

Ug, I hate the urges. I'm really emotional and vulnerable today. And pissed about certain things. And how they still bother me. I hate they still bother me. I have a man that falling in love with me, who's done the work, who's sexy as fuck, and yet this still bugs me. All I want to do is run because the last time I really let someone in, well, it was so painful when it ended. I don't trust what this man says. I don't even trust he likes me. Because I'm comparing to the past. And they all have lied. And they al have left.

I want to shoot off a text. But I won't because it won't accomplish anything. But I struggle with not being heard. So much so, that my coach want me to draft a complaint. Ug, and I don't want to go there. But maybe it's a good idea. If you're haunted, how do you bust the ghost?

You were horrible to me. HORRIBLE. And all I did was love and support you. I hope you recognize this and never do it again.

Why?

Why do I want to run from the "good?" And why do I think of the "bad?" I'm not supposed to be thinking in terms of good or bad but why do I still love the people who were HORRIBLE to me. Horrible. And why can't I trust what the lovely people say? And why is "I think I'm falling in love with you" such a scary thing? So many lies, so many promises not kept, so many broken plans...it makes me cynical, untrusting. How do you combat that?

Monsters by Alltime Low

I'm wondering why do all the monsters come out at night?
Why do we sleep where we want to hide?
Why do I run back to you
Like I don't mind if you fuck up my life?
Why am I a sucker for all your lies?
Strung out like laundry on every line
Why do I come back to you
Like I don't mind if you fuck up my life?

I'm addicted to the way you hurt, the way you contradict me
I swear everything look worse at night, I think I'm overthinking
I don't care who I might hurt along the way, I'm fuckin' sinking
Into every word, I don't care if you're lyin' when I'm drinking

So, tell me pretty lies, look me in my face
Tell me that you love me, even if it's fake
You can lead me on and leave these questions in my sheets
I'm under it, I made my bed and I'm still wonderin'

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=M9cfZrLC6Ug&feature=share

Signs

I'm not a spiritual person. I don't believe in god or life after death. I'm a scientist that believes energy can neither be created of destroyed. I don't believe in fate. I fight it actually. But from time to time, I think I get a sign in the form of a white butterfly. The same butterfly that landed in my bouquet at my sister's wedding. The butterfly I didn't know about that showed up on a pendant my Dad found. It was given to me after my Dad died, after I had seen the white butterfly. So, when I see a white butterfly, I do think of him. And I saw one today before DBT where we talked about my dad. And then again tonight, one showed up to sit in my tomatoes. Is it a sign? I'm not sure. But it makes me happy to see them.

Feet First

I'm not the gal who just quickly into something. Mostly I run. But, what do you do when someone shows up with all the qualities you are looking for? Try not to build up those walls. And know if you get hurt, you've done it before. And this time, he's actually falling in love with me too.

Because...

Sometimes I get asked why I would be dating during such an intense time of self discovery through my DBT program. And before I started, some people suggested I wait the year out before trying to date again. I've decided against that. Why? Because I'm fully supported right now. And I can talk about my feelings and patterns with my coach. And I can call for coaching if something goes bad. Dating has actually brought up many issues for me to deal with, and challenge. I'm getting closer to knowing what I want. 

Trances

Ever have an intense moment brought on by a song and suddenly you're in a waking dream that feels so real there is tears streaming down your cheeks? That happened today. I'm not really sure where that came from but it sure is an effective way to release some of the feels. The mind can create lovely places as much as it can create the scary ones.

Transatlanticism by Death Cab for Cutie

The Atlantic was born today, and I'll tell you how
The clouds above opened up and let it out
I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean
Making islands, where no islands should go (oh no)

Most people were overjoyed they took to their boats
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door
Have been silenced forevermore
And the distance is quite simply much to far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before (oh no)

I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer

So come on, come on
So come on, come on
So come on, come on
So come on, come on

https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=O07WK7-ZkHs&list=OLAK5uy_lvk5k9W7M5y5NUEMx3A1miZ8QsIJkwAIE

Slow Your Roll

Alright, boys update. Because the man storm is in full effect. And I feel I need to slow my roll. It's a lot easier being Porn Star Cas than it is being me. Authentic, vulnerable, wanting to high tail it outta there, fear of abandonment me. The me who has opened up and lost every time. And, as this year is about breaking patterns, I'm trying not to lead with my sexuality but really explore what I am looking for in a relationship and how to get my needs met instead of constantly giving.

I'm not good at sleeping with multiple people at the same time. I do one for one. So, I have some choices.

So, Grocery Store boy, so lovely. Sweet, wants to take me to the beach, nice sex with tenderness. He's done the work, he knows who is is. And he makes me nervous because I know there is more at stake. I like him. He is my friend. But, he's busy. Really busy. We see each other once every two to three weeks. He's not looking for a wife. And he is all about slow and steady. The question? Is that enough for me? I won't be the priority. And although there could be a future, that will be a long ways off. Can my need for instant gratification be suppressed? And, could he be someone I could lean on? If I needed help, would I turn to him? Or would I feel I was bringing drama into his busy life? Remember, as Taylor says "I could never bring you peace."

2.0 is still hovering around the fringes. As I'm not good with multiples, I said I wasn't able to sleep with him until I figured out what was up with Grocery Boy. And grocery boy and I have a deal that if we start sleeping with other people, we tell each other. And a decision is made. This is mostly about safety. But 2.0 and I have been texting as friends and now that sex is off the table, I'm getting to know him. And he was very caring and understanding. We are going to go on an adventure next week. He is definitely more available.

And then there's Podcast Man. Met on Tinder and we've been talking on insta. He thinks my seagull videos are funny. He intrigues me with his podcasts, guitars, and long hair. Dirty hot. But, he wants kids. And I do not. Would I ever be enough? Kids are something I've never wanted. I'm suited to be an auntie not a mom. And I love Aunite-hood. It's the best thing I've done with my life. So, at our age, the difficult questions need to be asked. He also drinks a lot of beer. And I do think he's been drunk when we have spoken. And that's a red flag. I'm no longer willing to swoop in to fix other people. That's up to you. I'll stand by you, I'll support the hell out of you, but you to the work. Podcast man wants to buy me dinner this week and do "boyfriend and girlfriend" stuff....and by stuff, I mean stuff. Like dates, and walks, and interviewing me for his podcast. He's also somewhat slow although he "wants to make babies with me."

And finally, in a fit of angry Tindering, I matched with D last night. The "D" stands for several things. But one of them is dominant. But not, dom like video game boy, a dom who knows the sub holds all the power. But that aside, you know when you click with someone? And your tinder turns to texts turns to a phone that lasts until 3:30am. And I feel like I know him. When I really don't. But this comes with complications too. He jumps in feet first with all the feels. I'm very wary and protective of my black and blue heart. Would this be another man that I would shatter? And he has children. And am I up for a fully submissive sexual relationship? I definitely have those tendencies, but a little vanilla is good too. He works in the field that supports me but he's said he will never be my therapist. Support yes, therapist no. I'm intrigued. He wants to meet tonight. Emotions mind was all over that last night. But in the light of day, I think I need to slow my roll. I wasn't planning on sleeping with him. We both have that same rule about the first date. But, I think I want to get to know this one a bit first. Breaking patterns. Not leading with sex. Getting my needs met.

And through all of this, I think of the others. A memory came up on Facebook that lead me to the angry tindering. I'm not sure why things show up when a page has been blocked. But it does. I guess I still feel I have something to prove. That I am worthy of the love. A lovely memory came up this morning. A piece I wrote about the lovely Dakota dog who died 12 years ago today. And I said about her:

"Through everything, Dakota never judged. Dakota was sweet and funny and loving and playful. No matter what, she was always excited to see me and greeted me with her 'smile'.  Dakota always listened to my stories and never once abandoned me."

And I read that and thought that's what I want in my romantic relationship. There's a lot you can learned from a smiling golden retriever. No fear of being abandoned. No judgement. Someone to talk to. Someone who wants to be with me. Maybe I should just get a puppy and call it a day!

Bull Crap

I read a story once that said if you really were connected, if you really needed someone you could just call for them and they would get the message. That story is crap. C. R. A. P. People can't read your mind, people don't come because you call for them in the wind. They come if you ask them to, and really only if they want. Let's put magic and crap behind us shall we? I'm going to call any of these coincidences just that, coincidences. The double timing text, the having to leave class and running into you ex. Just randomness in a random world. Fairy tales don't exist. Let's stop teaching our kids that, okay? I'm angry today.

The Self Respect

There's been a shift. The self respect has taken priority. Never in my life have I put me first. It feels odd. And wonderful.

Drowning

I have a theme to many of my nightmares. It involves me drowning. On a ferry that's sinking, driving a car off a cliff into water, running on a sinking log boom. Always awaking before hitting the water. As a child, I was afraid of falling off of docks not wanting to get too close to the edge of boats or breakwaters. The water scared me. But, what if I'm not afraid of physically drowning? What if it's emotional drowning? I let others do it to me. When someone came back into my life a few month ago, I said to my DBT coach "I'm going to have to be careful he doesn't drown me." And here I am, wanting to help, wanting to fix and knowing I'll get taken down in the wake. I've asked for space. I don't want to drown this way.

The Good and The Bad

Non-judgement. It's so hard. It's so hard not to label things as good or bad. It's so hard not to label people as good or bad. It's so hard not to label myself as good or bad. Someone I know may have done an awful thing. Or, maybe they are falsely accused. But, if they did the bad thing, does that make them a bad person? Does that make me a bad person for not seeing this side to them? Can you care and love for bad people? And do I attract that? 

I was told today to try to put aside the judgement, to not label things or people as good or bad. And once that's aside, I can use my coping skills and generate compassion. I'm struggling with that. It should be a fruitful DBT session tomorrow.

Help

Oh man, asking for help. For me it isn't easy, isn't easy at all. I'm learn how to ask for things I need and to change my intensity with that ask for the really important things. It's taken me two months to get my car fixed. Two months. Because I slink, I say it's no big deal. I feel like I don't deserve the help. I feel like I'm a bad person if I ask for me. But I did. And it made me sick. But maybe I can go to my favourite beach this weekend.

Slippage

When you're blowing a guy and you go in deep and he's quite long and hits your gag reflex...and you fart. Yup, a small but audible toot. I am a smooth bitch. Lol. At least I was with someone who could laugh about it...and let out a rumbler of his own.