Friends

After a tough couple of weeks, I actually had a real life friend over to watch the Friends reunion. And we laughed and cried. So many memories of that show. I flashed back to my dorm common room where we all cheered when Ross and Rachel kissed. I missed having people around. I missed laughing.

So much therapy...

...for one little person. Sleepy today. Thai for dinner.

Mommas

My mom's quite ill. Her face is drooping and she's refusing to go to the hospital. And we haven't always been the tightest. In fact, we didn't speak for many years. But I'm rebuilding that relationship. My sisters and I all feel a little helpless being in Canada and her in Washington State. We can't get to her right now. And it's scary. I'll be renewing my passport this week. Because no matter what, your mom is still your mom.

Happy 50th

 ...

I didn't want the day to pass without marking it and all I want to do is message you and wish you a special day. But we aren't friend like that anymore. We don't make cakes for each other. So I toasted you with your birthday bourbon. It seemed fitting. To happiness, and 50 more.

Tenderness

So, romance is a little foreign to me. As I've mentioned in the past, it can make me uncomfortable. I'm just not used to it. I'm also not used to tenderness. Yes, I'm a snuggly gal, but I'm talking about tenderness during sex. I've always thought of sex three ways: fucking, love-making, and just plain sex. And I've really only made love a very long time ago to one man who I love very much and he loved me. And it was sweet and tender. So much so, that sometimes he would weep. It was an actual physical expression of love. And it was quite an overwhelming feeling to me. And him.

Since then, my love hasn't been reciprocated. I been with plenty of men, but I'm always sex kitten Cas, porn star Cas. I've liked these men, but it hasn't been love. It's definitely not love making. It's sex or fucking. Yes, there can be feelings involved, but nothing like the love-making. It's more for pleasure and fun. And pleasing another.

When I slept with Grocery Boy a couple days ago, I was expecting my norm. He's been very clear he's not looking for love, a wife, a mom for his kid. He's looking to scratch a need and fulfil one for me. So, I was shocked at his tenderness. A kiss on the top of my head. Gentle kisses down my spine. And I found it uncomfortable. So, I quickly switched to dirty talk. A signal this wasn't love-making. But, it there a place for tenderness when you aren't in love? And can I let down my porn star persona to let it in? Even if there isn't that love or a future? Can tenderness be included in sex and fucking? And can I stop putting a wall up to it? Feelings. I feel them.

The Secret of the Fat Chicks

I fucked a boy last night. And it was surprisingly good. He was...tender. I'm not used to that. But that's for another post.

Grocery Boy said "you have such a nice, tight, wet pussy" and I answered "you've never been with a fat girl before, have you?" Boys, here's a secret: fat girls have tight ass pussies. We may seem big and sloppy, but our pussies are also fat....and hence tight. And for those of us who haven't gone through childbirth, even more so. So, you have an extra added bonus with the chubby gals. Shhhhh....don't tell anyone.

Minefields.

Just when you make some progress forgetting someone, ug. So many messages, so many conversations. Opposite action is my friend. I turn and walk away.

Passive Agressive Bullshit

I just received a text from Cakeman. It said "Are you ghosting me?" And I wrote back "No, are you ghosting me? I texted you last." And nothing for the last hour. Seriously, why do I always have to be the one to reach out? When does this relationship get to be about me? I'm super tired of accusatory inoxicated texts after 9pm. I just want to yell and lash out but I'll use my ol' friend opposite action to step away from the phone. 

On reflection, right now, I really get so little from this relationship/friendship. I feel used for sex (which isn't really sex because he has ED problems) and used to validation his problems or views. And he can't even help me fix my car. Why I am the bad guy for asking for what I need? Or waiting for someone to text me back? What I get is someone who looks at me like cake but won't put in the time or energy. So, can a friendship survive on just a look? I don't think so. At least not tonight.

Date with grocery store boy on Sunday. Date with 2.0 on Tuesday. Maybe one of these will give me back what I put in for once. Otherwise, the search continues.

It's Raining Men?

I don't often have the best of luck with the boys. To be honest, I really have closed myself off from it in the past. But from time to time, it seems to rain with men. Maybe Venus is in the penis of my pisces fish? I'm not really sure. But I do recall an excellent night at the Irish Times in 2013 when I could have gone home with my pick of 3 guys (or possibly a myriad of boy combinations) but left for a little platonic time with Cakeman. D'oh!

I feel I might be coming into a man rainfall again. 2.0 is back on the scene explaining that his "bubble girl" didn't work out. And asked if we could possibly continue our getting to know each other. And the following day explained he was lying in bed with an "enormous erection" thinking about meeting me.

Cakeman is still around. Confusing and maybe not super available, but around should I need a little pineapple upside down cake.

And now Grocery Store Boy, a friend for a long time who I just couldn't quite figure out has asked to "Netfix and Chill" on Sunday. I'm thinking that's maybe a proposition? I'm never quite sure with the boys. They do confuse me a bit.

So, maybe I'm in for a little storm. Safe rain. Vaccinated rain. Following Dr Bonnie's rules. I should probably get that glory hole built....

Joy

Have I actually recaptured a bit of the joy that has been missing for so terribly long? I hope so. Today, there was dancing.

Good enough?

Sometimes I wonder why I'm not good enough. Why others get the things I so very badly want. And I'm left waiting. When will I be good enough?

Quiet

I've had a couple of quiet days in my head. The quiet is so lovely.

Peace

"But I'm a fire and I'll keep your brittle heart warm
If your cascade ocean wave blues come
All these people think love's for show
But I would die for you in secret
The devil's in the details
But you got a friend in me
Would it be enough
If I could never give you peace?
Would it be enough
If I could never give you peace?
Would it be enough
If I could never give you peace?"

I can't offer my friends or family or lover peace. That's a promise I can't make. My emotions will always be big, I will retreat to the darkness, my brain will always be sick. Is there enough good to balance out the bad? What if I can't offer the peace that is craved? Does that leave me alone? Forever?

The Creeper

I have a mother that creeps me on social media. She must have her settings set up in a way that anytime I make a public comment, she knows! She knows! And comments. I'm being stalked and not my by old lab partner this time. Creepster.

The Help

I just need to accept that some people won't help me as much as I am willing to help them.