Tired

I’m just so tired. So exhausted. I look for the joy, I look for the hope and what I see is darkness. No pinpoint of light. A stretch of nothingness before me. So I trudge along because I have made promises. Alone. 

Taylor, my Narrator

 When a new Taylor songs perfectly narrates your life: 

[Verse 1]

We gather here, we line up, weepin' in a sunlit room

And if I'm on fire, you'll be made of ashes, too

Even on my worst day, did I deserve, babe

All the hell you gave me?

'Cause I loved you, I swear I loved you

'Til my dying day

[Chorus]

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And you're the hero flying around, saving face

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

[Verse 2]

We gather stones, never knowing what they'll mean

Some to throw, some to make a diamond ring

You know I didn't want to have to haunt you

But what a ghostly scene

You wear the same jewels that I gave you

As you bury me

[Chorus]

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

'Cause when I'd fight, you used to tell me I was brave

And if I'm dead to you, why are you at the wake?

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

[Bridge]

And I can go anywhere I want

Anywhere I want, just not home

And you can aim for my heart, go for blood

But you would still miss me in your bones

And I still talk to you (When I'm screaming at the sky)

And when you can't sleep at night (You hear my stolen lullabies)

[Chorus]

I didn't have it in myself to go with grace

And so the battleships will sink beneath the waves

You had to kill me, but it killed you just the same

Cursing my name, wishing I stayed

You turned into your worst fears

And you're tossing out blame, drunk on this pain

Crossing out the good years

And you're cursing my name, wishing I stayed

Look at how my tears ricochet

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OWbDJFtHl3w

Crazy

I must be crazy. I must be insane. Because yet again, I found myself in the same situation with the same outcome. They even used the same words. I am courageous. Never had such a compliment sounded so strained. 

Things I was told:

You are family.

I will never abandon you. 

I love you fuck face. 

You changed my life. 

You saved my business  

Those are things you say to a friend. Things you shouldn’t lie about. And yet, when it comes down to everything, I am not even worth a conversation alone. I am not treated as a friend, just a patient. So I have to believe those were lies. Just said to make me feel better. Just said to me when it convenient with no real intension behind them. I’m to blame. I let myself hope. Again. And for what? Yet another broken heart and lost friend. And to know that I am crazy  

The Silence

Expectation:
Sitting quietly
With nothing to say
I expect awkward
Yet it's pure ease
Just to sit
Close
No words needed
All feelings felt
Sitting silently
With you.

Reality:
The silence speaks volumes
Where there once was talk
Laughter and friendship
Now there is nothing
And not the silence of
Sitting quietly on the beach
The silence of annoyance
The silence of disgust
The silence of done
The silence.