2020

2020 is truly one of the hardest year's of my life. It started with a stay in a mental institution after a failed suicide attempt. Recovery during a pandemic where the last thing I was supposed to do was isolate but had to due to an epic virus. A great friendship that left me heartbroken. A relationship that got way too serious for me, way too fast. And a little cake. And daily thoughts about why I was left here to deal with all of this. I struggle with that everyday while searching to find "a life worth living." I know I can't wish for happiness in 2021, but I do hope for more moments of joy mixed with the sadness and heavy emotions. And maybe not to fight daily with the thoughts that want me to end it all. Happy New Year.

Cake

I'm ready to eat cake. A whole swak of cake. I hope it tastes as good as I always thought it would.

I never meant to brake your heart...

Breaking someone's heart sucks. It just does. I wish I felt the same. It would make things so much easier. I wish I envisioned a life together. I wish I could see that. I'm sorry.

Shame

I am terribly ashamed of many many things. It leads me to keep secrets and be in constant fear of people discovering the truth. I just want to hide.

I've Been Wronged. That I Know.

Do you stand up for what's right, an injustice against you, or do you just let it go? When do you fight? When do you let go? And how do you know which is the right course of action? And by letting go, does it signal you'll get used and abused again? 

Why is standing up for yourself so hard knowing it may destroy someone else? Why do I care about the one that wronged me? 

Why is it important to get an apology, an acknowledgement that you were wrong? It will never come. I'm pretty sure you think this is all my fault. 

And after all the crossed lines, all the blurred boundaries, all the ethical violations, what bothers me most is you had an ethical responsibility to ensure my care was continuous. You knew how much I relied on your care. And I was dropped. To wade back deep into suicidal ideations. A dangerous choice. 

They all tell me to report you. Every last one of them. And I just want you gone. 

Maybe this is my way of excising you: You were wrong. You were not the person I thought you were. You were unethical. You were a terrible friend and an even worse practitioner. You were cold. You used me. You lied. And even worse that lying, you said things you should have never said to begin with. You gaslighted me. This is not all my fault. Oh, and you did and said exactly what Lucas did and said. After you chastised him. You get drunk and say too much. You are a coward. 

I forgive you.

I forgive me for choosing the wrong person again.

Now go. Just go.

Emotional Pain...

... my emotional pain hurts more than any physical pain could. And it doesn't seem to go away. Some days, I'd rather have my finger nails pulled out.

Like a piece of cake...

What happens when the only person who ever looked at you like food comes back into your life? And what does that mean when you're seeing someone else? Stay tuned.

Hello...

I think one of my favourite things is when the people I love the most show up in my dreams. I may not see you in life, but in slumber, oh in slumber. It makes me never want to wake.