When you love someone and it goes to waste?

Does love ever go to waste? It's painful and unrequited love just plain sucks ass. But is love ever wasted? Maybe it your spend it on the wrong person. I love many people. I don't think I understand romantic love, so I'm staying away from it. I just might not be built for it. But does that mean my love was wasted for all those hurtful users? I don't think so. I think they were actually lucky to receive my love. With I give them more? Only small bits of loving kindness that don't take away from me. And they can waste it if they want.

Better Man

Wow, some people are so changeable. In less than 24 hours. But that's okay. It's probably for the best. I just wish my hopes weren't raised and then dashed. It's a lot on my little heart. Building walls back up. And remembering that hope can be dangerous.

I know I'm probably better off on my own

Than lovin’ a man who didn't know what he had when he had it

And I see the permanent damage you did to me

Never again, I just wish I could forget when it was magic

Funeral

I'm planning a funeral. It's my last assignment in DBT before I have my final session in three weeks. It's not a funeral for someone...it's a funeral for the life I thought I would have. So many myths, so many hopes, so many unfulfilled expectations. I'm to put them to rest and move forward. They are easy to hold on to...I've carried them for 45 years. But the weight is too much. It's time for them to go.

Do you really need love?

You needs love when you have lego. Am I right?

Life & Beth

 It's a good show. It talks about moms and daughters. "No one loves us like our moms. No one hurts us like our moms." How true.

My Gut

 I have that feeling in my gut. I've had it before. I just don't know what it is this time. I had it March 1st. And again tonight. I'm tuning into the disgust in my body. It could be that. It could be a bit of moving past my boundaries. It could be a bad piece of cheese or too much popcorn. But I feel the shift. 

Fireworks

Standing up for yourself is hard. Speaking your truth is hard. Reliving trauma is hard. Not blaming yourself is hard. But in the end, it’s a lot LESS hard than living with the shame and memories by yourself. As Taylor would say “the girl in the dress wrote you a song.” I wrote mine. And it was validated. 

Always know there is someone out there that will believe and listen to you. 

It never needed to come to this.

Dear John by Taylor Swift

Mind the Gap...

Content warning: Self harm and suicide

I feel there is a gap between thinking about hurting yourself...and actually hurting yourself. Somedays the gap is wide, the lines never touch or really, you can never imagine then toughing as they are so far apart. You mind the gap, you navigate. Other times in my life, the lines have crossed, like two years ago. Often people talk about mental illness like walking a tight rope. For me, It's maintaining the gap. You extend the gap through work, through tools, through moments of happiness. You keep an eye on the gap. But the thoughts are always there. Those never really go away.

Icing

Radical acceptance: keep the boys as icing. Build the life worth living in work and friends. I realize this might make me end up a spinster, but it's the way to go.

Hard

This week is hard. It just is. People expect you to embrace your miracle, to be happy you survived. Just trying to feel the feels, not dissociate, or distract with the busyness. And it's hard.