It gets worse before it gets better...

...but why can't it just get better?

The Boulder

I really feel like I'm pushing a boulder up hill right now and I'm doing everything I can to stop it from rolling back down the hill and it taking me out in the process. I feel so tired. I feel like I'm not getting anywhere.

Is it love or my personality disorder?

I think I have a skewed idea of what love should look like. Years of awful romance movies and fairytales have lead me to believe love is life altering, feel it in your gut, toe curling waves of big emotions. But what if that's just my borderline personality disorder? The big feels for the unattainable men? What if love is quieter? What if love needs to grow? What if what I thought was love, was actually just my disease? How do I know?

Opposite Action

Bloody hell, of all the new skills I am learning and using to fix my messed up brain, “opposite action” is the absolute hardest. You so very badly with all your soul want to do something....so you do the opposite of it. Sometimes nothing, sometimes writing, sometimes putting down your phone. And it is so very hard to NOT do the one thing your emotional

brain is egging you on to do. Tonight is one of those nights. 

The Balrog

I live with a Balrog in my mind. Some days it can be a little overwhelming. Today is one of those days. I want to fight it, I want to judge it, I want it gone. 

But it's a part of me, and even thought it's mean and scary, it deserves kindness. Because it's me. It's the parts of me I have ignored for so long. So, I found something to say to it in the lyrics of a pretty Noah Kahan song. And I sing to you Balrog:

"Dirt on your heels, you've made a mess
Down by the carpark, high off your head
Honey, don't worry, nobody's angry at any of this
Darling, be patient, stare into the vacancy, take a deep breath

It's like when you're tired, you're someone else
Don't speak for some time to find those words inside yourself
Honey, don't worry, I'll do your laundry, covered in dirt
Darling, be patient, it's easy to break beneath the weight of the earth

And I'll say
Always, I'll wait
For sharp glass when you break
I'll be the light that you can't make
I'll be your eyes, you be my face
Cuz darling, I get scared for you
And I'm not busy anyway

Today you looked older than me
Hair in your face, it fills the space between your teeth
And all of your falling, does it get exhausting? Have you gotten sleep?
You said you were sorry, that you hadn't called me in over a week

And I said
Always, I'll wait
For sharp glass when you break
I'll be the light that you can't make
I'll be your eyes, you be my face
Cuz darling, I get scared for you
And I'm not busy anyway

I hope, I ain't the last of what the world left you
A coat, something you only wear in cold weather
I hope, I ain't the last of what the world left you
A coat, something you only wear in cold weather

I hope, I ain't the last of what the world left you
A coat, something you only wear in cold weather
I hope, I ain't the last of what the world left you
A coat, something you only wear in cold weather

And I said
Always, I'll wait
For sharp glass when you break
I'll be the light that you can't make
I'll be your eyes, you be my face
Cuz darling, I get scared for you
And I'm not busy anyway"

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5HzpPl5a9EA&list=RDieZ-rMNFTMo&index=7

Settling

Does one hold out for love? Toe curling, butterfly love or does that even exist? Have I been brainwashed by fairy tales and romcoms? What is mature love? And when do you settle?

Unconditional Love

I used to believe that love should be unconditional. That you loved someone no matter what. No matter what they did. But, for me, a highly sensitive person with Borderline Personality Disorder, unconditional love is dangerous. Love needs conditions. Like, the worse you treat me, the more I love you. That if you abandon me, I will still love you. That if you hurt me, you are still deserving of my love. I need to put conditions in place. You don’t get my love unconditionally. My love deserves to be respected. My love needs to be earned. My love isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour. My love is worthy of your love.