Boys who are girls who like girls who are boys....

I definitely have some masculine traits, I think most girls do. I have been brainwashed into believing that particular character traits are male or female. These traits can positive or negative or neutral. I recently had an experience with a boy who really was a "metrosexual" is every sense of the word - a boy who was definitely a boy, absolutely loved females, but possessed many feminine traits, or what I have been brainwashed into thinking were feminine traits. He was very communicative, loved to talk about his feelings, and I guess gentle. I would use the word gentle to describe him. He was very different from anyone I have ever met. Ever. And completely different from anyone I have ever dated. He kept telling me that he "loved me", to which I gave him heck, he didn't want me to give him blow jobs and he wanted me to be his girlfriend, exclusively, after 2 weeks. And you would think that I would love this! What an ideal relationship! But no, it was quite offputting....

I called the whole "thing" off a couple days ago. I found that I was completely unattracted to him. At first, I though it was my pills and the ugly family secret that reared it's head last summer - my grandfather molested me. I thought that between the antidepressants, which can reduce a sex drive, even one like mine, to zero and the unbearable memories that where resurfacing, I really just wasn't feeling much of anything in the sex department. I struggled on trying to prove to myself that the lack of tingles down my spine and butterflies in my stomach was not him. He was cute, nice, sweet, funny why shouldn't I be attracted to him. It must be me, right? Then we had sex. Boring uninspired sex. Sex during which I thought about filing my taxes. Yup, during sex, I was thinking about my T4 slip. Yikes. I knew it then, something wasn't right. We actually stopped half way through, neither of us satisfied, neither or our heads dizzy from orgasm, and left his apartment to go disc golfing.

This was such a strange experience for me. So strange. I have had sex. Lots of sex. Sex without love. From fucking in a forest, to the intense desire, that just barely gets you through the door of your apartment and onto the floor. I have also experienced the most tender love-making one can imagine. Through every experience, every different boy, even if I was tired, or didn't really know my partner, I never was bored, I never thought once about my taxes and I never once yawned. My concentration was completely on the other person and the act itself. The touch of his skin beneath my fingers, the taste of slight perspiration and the hotness of his breath against my neck. Not once did I think of any of that. All I thought was "when will this be over". And as much as I tried to think "it's not him, it's me" it really was him. There truly was a lack of attraction that could not be overcome.

I guess I knew this all along. But why? He was totally into me. He did everything right. He called me everyday. He sent me emails. He told me I was "hot" over and over and over and over. He loved my body. He fantasized about me. As the days went on, I felt like I didn't want to see him, didn't want him to call. When he called me hot, I would change the subject. If he touched me, I would draw away. I couldn't stand it.

I think my lack of attraction may have had something to do with those feminine traits. Was the communication too much, too soon? Did he put me on too high of a pedestal? Or maybe he tried to hard? Quite possibly it was none of that! Maybe it was wrong pheramones. Maybe my chemical make-up disqualified him the moment my nose was in range. Chemically speaking, women choose mates that possess an opposite physicallity to ensure genetic diversity to their offspring, so maybe we were too much alike. Or maybe he was too young for me and I really am holding out for that older man of my dreams.

So, what have a learned? As lonely and honry as I am, I can't pretend. I can't make myself attracted if I am not. I can't make my heart feel something it doesn't. I may never find love again as I once had it, but I definitely need a spark to be physically fulfilled. And I maybe I should really do my taxes.

My Dirty Dirty Secret

Okay, so I have a little secret, a dirty little secret. Something that can be quite embaressing and something I try to hide from people who don't know me well. You ready? I like country music. Yup, I do. I even own some albumns. Tim McGraw, take me away! I am chastsized about it often, but I am ready to leave the closest behind and shout it to the world, I love some country music! Okay, well I am ready to shout it on my blog which is only read by a few who probably already know about my little addiction.

The reason I bring this up had to do with a song I was listening to this morning, "The Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts. The main line of the song is "god bless the broken road that let me straight to you". Now I am far from religious, but I like the concept of the song. I like the fact that maybe every heartache, every disappointment, every tear, every smile and every laugh is for a reason. Maybe not a reason, but maybe it brings us to a place where we have learned what we want and what is important in life. What we are looking for in love and what we need to be happy. Maybe "this great plan" is really just us getting to know ourselves better, understanding what we truly "need" and then searching it out!

Right now, the path I am on is bumpy and broken in many places, but I am learning so much. About what people are really like, about trust. I am looking forward to looking back on this broken road and seeing how is changed me, made me stronger.

Just an ordinary day....

Today, was just an ordinary day. A day filled with hurt and deception. Something I have come to expect at work. Just an ordinary day. You see, I was tricked going into work today, even though I am sick. So sick. Coughing up blood and running a fever. The email I received yesterday implying I had to go into work, was never supposed to be sent to me according to my boss. My coworker sent it on his own volition, a way to force me to go into work and even after my boss had told him not to contact me in anyway. Nice eh? I was impressed when I found out. Super impressed. I am spending the weekend deciding whether or not to give my two weeks notice - I was damn close this morning. My boss has asked me not too, but to instead go on disability for the summer. I will definitely do that as soon as I can! I just want to be done with the place. At least disability gives me a back up. I really hope the other job comes through. I really really really hope....

Falling.....

Today is not a good day. Today I am struggling to keep afloat, struggling to stay awake, and struggling to hide from the world. The anxiety swirling and comsuming my soul is hard to bear. I want to sleep to escape from it. To turn it off for only a moment and deal with it in dreams where at least it is not real. At least in dreams I feel like I may have some control over everything.

As I mentioned a couple days ago, I am sick again. Over 50% of the past 5 months have been spent fighting some ailment. I now truly believe work is making me sick. I was able to spend today at home nursing my ailing lungs, but tomorrow I don't have the choice - I must go into work. I hate the fact that I have to go in when I barely have the energy to make my own meals. It angers me. Apparently, it is better for me to go in one day tomorrow and risk being off for three weeks then for me to take the day off. The people who complain about not having enough hours at work will not work tomorrow for me, so what do I do? Go in. I have no choice, or so I have been told.

There is a frustrating battle going on inside my body. My body is trying to protect me. Trying to shield me from the aniexy, stress and hurt I experience everyday when I work in such a polluted environment. It tells me when I am doing to much by contracting some virus which makes my lungs ache and fills them with blood. My body gets sick to slow me down, to protect me. I have tried many times not to listen to my body, but it only fights harder by affecting my breathing and making me cough so violently that I must sit down and stop everything I am doing. My body will not be pushed aside, my body will be heard.

All I can hope is tomorrow I am feeling better and that the physical exertion to push through a 7-hour stretch looking after 5 kids at a daycamp isn't too much for it. I hope it understands I don't have a choice. I hope it doesn't revolt by becoming more and more and more ill. I wish I could explain, but oddly enough I don't speak the same language as my body. It is a language I have only recently started to learn and hopefully will be fluent in someday. I wish I could tell it to hold on - hopefully something new and better and safer is just around the corner.

Interview with a Vampire?

Okay, so I didn't realize how long it has been since I made a posting on my blog! Must have something to do with the busiest of weeks in a very long time! So, my Friday included a big ferry ride over to the big city Vancouver. As I was waiting to board the ferry, my attention was caught by some loud music. Not the normal loud music that you here pounding out of lowered cars, organ music. Yes, loud scary organ music. The kind you would here in 1940's horror movies just as Dracula is sneaking up behind some damsel about to sink his teeth into her neck. It was so eerie, that I actually swung around to see if anyone was hiding in my back seat. Dracula was no where to be found and even though I searched the crowds of cars for 15 minutes, I never could quite pinpoint just where the music was coming from. As I was scanning the lines, I was searching for a hurst with speakers in the back. Who would listen to that kind of music in their car? The Addams family? Probably, but they were not boarding the ferry. I am left with the mystery of where and who was playing the eerie music. As I drove up the ramp, I couldn't help but wonder "is this a sign of things to come this weekend"?

Alas, no it wasn't. I had a lovely weekend in the big city of Vancouver. My first challenge, making it to my sister's place in North Vancouver. Now, I grew up on the Lower Mainland, but really, I am an island girl at heart. And when it comes to driving, to be very honest, Vancouver scares the crap out of me. Call me what you will, but all of those turny-things and the people who cut you off, makes me a wee bit nervous. But, I made it. In one piece. I actually let out a little yell when I made it over the Knight Street Bridge, up to Boundary and then over the Second Narrows. Cas was proud of herself! Although I couldn't get the "duhn, duhn, du-duhn....." of the vampire music out of my head as I drove through the crowded streets. I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with my sis at a friend of hers. A friend that does cocaine. Now, Cas is a pretty liberal girl, but honestly being around people snorting lines makes me a little uncomfortable. Especially, because they used my cash to smash the coke and snort the lines. I am totally paranoid that there is coke residue in my wallet and if I get stopped by the police they are going to take me to jail and there I will die because people in front of me got high and....okay, so you see how my mind works. The funny thing though was watching these people get high. We had a person who was a stock broker, a high-level manager and a person in the television production field. It has given me a new perspective on people. I truly wonder what people are doing on Friday nights. Is my banker shooting smack? Is my boss smoking weed? It my upstairs neighbour high on E as I type this? What are people that you meet superficially like on a Friday night? We all have our work behaviour and our private behaviour. Do I want the people who come into my work to know I take Ativan to calm myself down sometimes - of course not! But I do want to see what people are really like, yeah, it is interesting and possibly a little unnerving. The stock broker handles a 70 million dollar portfolio! Maybe I will have to look through a few windows.....kidding!

Saturday brought my friend's wedding shower! A nice afternoon and an overwhelmed bride to be! Much fun was had by all, even if we didn't surprise her! Let's just say, I am not as convincing a liar as I thought I would be. We spend Saturday night doing girly stuff like soaking our feet and doing make-up.

Sunday, ,we spent most of the day on Commercial drive! What a fun place! We sat outside while it was raining eating breakfast and drinking coffee. The best blueberry pancakes of my life. So good. And a nice full belly of carbs puts one in the mood - to buy a new vibrator! And that is exactly what I did! What a great investment! I think I am in love! I had thought for a while that I may have been sexually dead from the antidepressants I have been taking, but no, no I am not! I must say, I think it is the best $150 I have spent in my life. The best. Hands down. I don't think people will see me for weeks because I will be in my house, with big blue! I really think I should open a sex store - I think I would be good at it. And then I would get to do product testing. My poor sister - I don't think she was too used to me. We went specifically to buy a strap-on for her and her girlfriend, but she couldn't do it. At least not with me around. I was ready to try these things on, but she decided she would leave it to another day. Too bad, I always wondered what I would look like with a dick!

Today, today I had my long awaited interview! I was so nervous, but I think I did well. I guess time will tell! Out of 135 applicants, I was one of the 7 people who were short listed. So, I can feel pretty good about that! I really enjoyed the people who interviewed me and I think it would be an amazing place to work. I really hope, I am sick again with another cold and sore throat! Will this madness ever stop?

Secrets and Interviews....

Hello all! Sorry I haven't written in a while. I have been asked by SHB to not write about what is going on between the two of us! And, there is so much I want to write about and tell you all! So much! But, I will respect his wishes and not write about him! ARG! Well, I won't until maybe in the future if he is gone or if he someday doesn't mind me writing! From know on, my blog gets kept a secret from the lavalife boys!

So, I have a job interview! I am so excited, I can hardly stand it! It is next Monday, so I will make sure to update my blog! Have two dates upcoming with other lava boys. God, I wish I could write about my week. ARG!!!!!!

Conspiracy Theory?

Thank you to all who gave me advice on yesterday's posting - either on my blog, in person or via email. It is wonderful to know I have so many good friends in my life. For now, I am sticking it out one day at a time, actually one moment at a time, until I can figure out what the hell I am going to do, or maybe until I win the 6/49. A girl can dream right? Work today was okay - only spent a couple minutes crying in the bathroom. I am trying to keep the motto that my good friend Mr. tells me, don't take it personally, shrug it off Cass, shrug it off. Honestly, it is easier said than done. Something I struggle with on a daily basis is how to not take something personally. How do you do that? How do you not take the cold shoulders and the pointed looks personally? And really today, it wasn't even that bad! Can you repair relationships that have been so badly destroyed, and quite honestly, do I want to do this with these people? Are they worth it? And if, in the end, it all works out, can I ever forget this awful time in my life, where I find myself walking on egg shells, whimpering in a bathroom stall, trying to hide from them. "I won't let them see me weak, I won't let them know they have done this to me, please god, don't cry at work" runs over and over and over again in my brain. Maybe I am the problem? I do know it is time to get out. Whether that is tomorrow or four months from now, I think I am done. It is not worth my health. It is not worth my sanity.

For now, I suggested to my boss we bring in a mediator - someone away from the situation to interview everyone and then walk us through a discussion. A step in the right direction I think, although the exercise itself will be tough. I hope it helps and starts to mend some of the fences. I guess only time will tell.

I had another date with SHB last night! Wow, two dates in two days. I can hardly believe my world right now. I am finding that I like the boy. Yup, I do think I like the boy. We spent the majority of the evening watching the Daily Show and talking about conspiracy theories. Something I never really thought I would be into - but, if you can challenge your beliefs, it only makes them stronger. The boy gained even more brownie points when he actually walked me outside. I will have to see if he does the "reach-over", you know, the tell tale sign someone is a good person, they unlock your door from the passenger side! I do find I tend to push guys away - I keep telling him to hit on hot chicks on Lavalife or at Subway. Why would I do that? I guess cause it is easier that getting close and getting hurt. Do you think I will ever get over that hurt business. I hope so, I don't want to fuck it up with too many boys. Actually, he just called me and called me on a lack of communication on my part. I have never had a guy do that! And we aren't even really dating. I think I like the boy even more!

Two more guys messaged me today - thanks to Bea for the help with the Lavalife posting. I guess we will see....

Advice?

I need your help! I am in dire need of some advice from my friend's, acquaintances and even some strangers. You see, as some of you know, my work is making me sick. Literally sick. Mentally, my immune system is being suppressed to make me vulnerable to ever single bug that comes my way. In the past 4 months, I have had a lung infection, or some type of flu/cold/bronchitis, for almost 3 of them. 3 freakin' months. The reason, the polluted work environment I am working in. So, here is where the advice comes in? What do I do? I am a single girl with a mortgage on a new home. I am actively looking for jobs - I spend at least two hours every night searching the internet for job postings that I may be slightly interested in. Do I just get out of there, spend my savings while looking for work. Or do I stick it out until I find something, risking my mental and physical health. I know some of you are telling me to suck it up and I should be happy to have a job, and I agree. I guess I feel like I am losing control again to the anxiety and depression that knocked me down six months ago. Please leave me a comment, I would love some advice. Anything from "Suck it up" to "leave your job" is more than welcome! Thanks guys!

Mental Health Mondays

Mondays are definitely "Mental Health Mondays" for me - and it is not the mental health day you may be thinking. Mental Health Mondays for me are the day I spend doing good things for my mental health, acupuncture and psychotherapy. And, on days like today when I really need it, retail therapy at the Gap!

My mental health Monday began with acupuncture. I have been going to my acupuncturist for almost 6 months now! At first, I was completely skecptical, what can poking a whole bunch of holes in you do for your mind? Apparently, amazing things, truly amazing things. I'll walk in looking like a sack of potatoes and walk out completely relaxed, looking like I have lost 10 years of wrinkles and memories!

After acupuncture, a little shopping therapy was in order. It was such a beautiful day, that I decided to check out some shops downtown including lululemon, a trendy athletic store. Good stuff, although I am afraid the size would make me look like that sack of potatoes I am trying to stay away from! So, I headed to Ol' Faithful, the Gap. I know some of you will be shocked and horrified to hear I shop there, but quite frankly, I love it! And they have the best girlie clothes this season. I got a couple of skirts and sweaters, nothing better to perk up a girl's mood!

Then, I was off to therapy. Mental Health Mondays are exhausting! At therapy, we decided my work was physically making me ill. Yup, ill. Nasty! What a vile, polluted work environment. My search for a new job continues! Hopefully something will come up soon! I am get frustrated and just want out! So badly. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right? Maybe, what doesn't kill us makes us sick!

Mental Health Monday ended with some fun recreation, an actual lavalife date. Yup, I met a boy! Can you believe it? We talked on the phone on Sunday night for like 5 hours and then, on a whim, I invited him over last night. And hey, he is a really nice guy with totally cool spiky hair, hence his name spiky Hair Boy (SHB). He is nice and sweet and a totally great kisser among other things. The only slightly strange thing, and it is not strange I guess, is he is totally into "bigger girls". I have never been with anyone who finds me so "hot". It is strange to me....most guys fall for my humour and personality and then they become attracted to me. Not him, he is even upset I am losing weight! So, he is coming over tonight. I am excited. And, update on BJB, we are going to attempt coffee again this week. I had to cancel last week because of my raging lung infection! So, I am excited to meet him too! When it rains, it pours!

Brad, Sexy Single Brad....

Inspired by my good friends Molly and Bea, I have decided to divulge, "What I think About When I Touch Myself". Admittedly, I myself, like Bea, may have more of a leaflet than a novel, when it comes to my cast of characters, but it is filled with a wide variety of beautiful, and maybe not so beautiful men. Some of the "real people" I cannot divulge for the pure fact that they may read this blog and quite honestly, I truly can't handle the embarrassment...(you all are going to try and figure out if it is you now, right? Take it from me, it's not!)

Masturbation is something of a daily ritual for me. In the past year, I have truly slowed due to old age and my program of Zoloft, but I still do consider it one of my favourite past times. My fantasies vary from people I know, certain celebrities (My favourite, Brad Pitt. Luscious Brad Pitt. I don't feel so dirty using him anymore, now that he is separated), people I have past on the street, current lovers, people from the past....well, I think you get the picture. And, I am one of those girls who fantasizes about past loves. Not for nostalgia or the hopes of getting back together with the asshole, but for the memory of some of the best sexual experiences in my life. In all honesty, I believe the memory relived in the walls of my brains may in fact be much better than the initial experience.

For example, take my drunken night with JR at my friend's house. Looking back, it was an amazing all night romp. The kind of beautifully executed sex scenes one might see in "Jocks 'N Cocks". In actuality, it was probably two extremely noisy, extremely fat, extremely drunk kids givin' 'er on my friend's parents bed. But I can use that memory, alter it however I want, and well, you get the point. And then there was that time in Goldstream Park with D. I think I still have gravel embedded in my back. But that never seems to make its way into my fantasy.

As I told BJB the other day, there can be a huge difference between what you fantasize and what you actually want to happen in real life! The two aren't always the same thing! They can be worlds apart! Do I want to sleep with 3 different guys at the same time? Probably not. I wouldn't really know what to do with all the "peni". But, in the safety of my brain, it can be a fun, safe way to explore some of the sexual taboos and naughtiness that gets me off.

So, thanks again to Molly and Bea, for having the courage to expose their lists! Oh yeah, and Brad, I'll see you tonight!

Love Vs. Sex: Can we have Both?

So, I guess I am really that sexual (see posting a couple weeks ago). It must be some strange vibe that seeps out my fingers onto the keyboard onto someone else's computer screen.

After a couple months on lavalife, I truly am ready to pack it in. My score at the end of all of this, one guy who wants to fuck me up the ass, and another who I am starting to think just wants to use me for blowjobs or possibly afternoon trists. I guess we will see as I am meeting him on the weekend.

I have been talking on MSN to Blowjob Boy (BB) for a couple of weeks now. I broke the cardinal lavalife rule given to me by my good friend Bea, in her Lessons in Love, don't talk to the guys on msn, go out for coffee! I guess I was just excited to talk to someone. He is funny, seems quite cute and possibly normal. What more could a girl ask for.

The problem, even if I can call this a problem, is our chats always turn to sex. Always. Graphic, rauchy cybersex filled with words like cock and pussy. As a girl who is trying to get her erotic novels published, you would think this wouldn't bother me. But, this isn't the first time this has happened to me. Within about 15 minutes of chatting with a guy online, the conversation completely switches topic. It is like there is an oven timer set, bing! Okay, enough about getting to know you, let's tell each other our most intimate sexual fantasies. There always is the string of questions that seem to come up with these guys....what is your favourite position, how often do you like to have sex, have you ever fantisized about a cartoon...

For those of you who know me, you know I like sex. There are days that I live for sex. But, rarely am I the girl who will fuck a guy on the first date. God, I haven't even slept with that many men. The problem, it is always nice to be wanted. To have someone want to fuck you. And all too easily, I get swept into it....

Maybe I am getting too old or maybe I have been in too many relationships where it is all about the sex, but I think I may be looking for more. Who ever thought those words would be coming out of my mouth? I think I am looking for love and sex. Together. A nice package. I am looking for someone to wake up with in the morning. I am looking for someone to stroke my hair when I have had a bad day at work. I am looking for someone to hold my hand when we cross the street. I am looking for a lover to fuck me or make love to me, whatever the mood calls for.

I think I may have had the love and the sex together a long time ago. With someone who came in and out and back in again to my life. Although I firmly believe we shouldn't be together, I do miss what we had. I miss the butterflies in my stomach when he pulled me tight. I miss the gentle way he would sweep the hair way from my face. I miss the curling of my toes when we had sex. And I think I may be ready for that again.

For the past two years I have been pushing men away, completely afraid the huge rift in my heart hasn't healed. Could I go through a breakup like that again? Is it worth it? Do I need to be in love, or can I just got through life without it, enjoying sex and all it has to offer without putting myself out there? The answer, I am looking for love. Mind blowing and butterflies. Does it exist? I hope so. I see it everyday with some of the people I love, like my sister and her husband. I saw it with my dad and his wife. I hope one day people will see it in me.

I don't think I will find love in the coffee shop on Sunday with BB, but then again you never know. I might sleep with him, I might not. Maybe he will end up getting his blowjob! But I do hope, somewhere out there is the love that I am looking for....

Aux Trois Mailletz

So, my anniversary with my gay husband has brought back many fond memories of Paris! One of the best, was the brief evening we spent at Aux Trios Mailletz! K had read about the little jazz bar before we left for Paris and when he emailed the below description, I knew we had to go there!

"There is a Piano Bar next to Saint Julien le Pauvre on 56 rue Galande, it is called les Trois Mailletz, apparently old French for the three hammers. The story is that when they were building Notre Dame, just across the Seine, the workers would come there to drink at the end of the day. I don't know if this is true but it is a wonderful place. We've probably gone there 30 times or more over the last 10 years. The same piano player is usually there and she can play anything from Gershwin, to Mozart, Edith Piaf standards and other classic French music as will as American Jazz (she is phenomenal). She always has her folder of music, opens it up and voila, out come the most wonderful music. There is an old lady that comes in every night with her little dog, she always wears the same old fur coat and sits at the same table. Everyone seems to know her. She looks as though she might have had a slight stroke. The other visitor are just as animated and it's almost as much fun watching the people as listening to the wonderful music. Occasionally they have opera singers perform."

On the evening of March 6th, K and I dined at a famous cafe called "Les Deux Magots". On the "Boulevard St-Germain" it is one of the most famous spots in Paris. Ernest Hemingway and other famous writers would frequent this leftbank favorite to write, argue and probably drink the fabulous hot chocolate! That is why we went, to taste le chocolat chaud. It honestly was unlike anything I had ever had before - served in beautiful little white pitchers, the aroma warmed up my soul. And so it should have at 6 euros a mug (for those of you who didn't work in a currency exchange, about 10 dollars - wow, did I pay that much for hot chocolate!). Afterwards, as the night was young, K and I decided to head to Aux Trois Mailletz, to soak up some jazz and maybe even see the woman in the fur coat.

So, we started walking. And walking. And walking. I think to myself, "man, we are walking away from the river". But, since I had been wrong about directions earlier in the day, I kept my mouth shut. Just after we passed a man urinating onto a washroom stall, I mentioned my thoughts to K. "But, aren't we walking towards the Seine?". "No, K, no we are not". So, we turned 180 degree and head for Aux Trois Mailletz once again! When we finally made it, about 90 minutes after we left Les Deux Magots, the place was hoping! There was only standing room left at the bar, which we snatched up. I also snatched up a 8 euro bottle of Badoit, Turkish spring water I had been drinking my entire Parisianne stay as I had a lung infection. A little pricey, but not as bad as K congac. Beside, there was no cover right?

I had never been in a place quite like Aux Trois Mailletz. By the bar, was an upright piano being beautifully played by a woman. She played everything, including American standards like "My Way". The best part was that the entire bar was singing. Loud, fabulously drunk Frenchmen were slurring through the English words while holding glasses of bright green alcohol, possibly absinthe. I felt like I was in the Moulin Rouge. And then it happened, the little old lady in the fur coat with her little dog, walked in, kissing everyone she knew and sat at a table which had been left for her right by the piano. K and I soaked up this site for almost an hour and then K had a suggestion...."There is music playing down stairs, why don't we check it out". Okay, sounds like fun. So we descended down the worn stone stairs, indented by use since medieval time, into a cave. A real medieval cellar. The host asked us to check our things (at 2 euro a piece including my scarf) and we are seated in the pit against the wall with 50 other people listening to a loud Latin band. Of the 50 people, 40 of them were smoking. The North American Tourist were not. As the band got going, dancers came and frolicked on the table! It was an unbelievable site. Some German tourist were them seated next to us and also got into the groove. Being down with the plague, the smoke got to me about half way through the second act. I told K and we asked for the cheque much to the strange look of our waitress. After ten minutes, it never came, so we headed out to the entrance. Kevin looked frazzled as he looked at the bill. "I need extra money" he said to me! I got a look at the bill, 110 euros? What did K drink? What did K eat? And then it hit us!!!!! There was a cover. A 44 euro per person cover! You are supposed to stay all night and listen to bands until 4 o'clock in the morning! K talked to the owner of the bar who asked why we were leaving so early. "Madame est malade." The generous owner gave K a voucher for free admission and a couple of drinks for another night. We left Aux Trois Mailletz shocked and dazed and a little lighter in our money belts! I nearly peed myself from laughter as we walked home. What a great night at Aux Trois Mailletz.

We left Paris, never making it back to our little jazz club! But it is still there, and I am sure tonight, loud Frenchmen are singing American songs while sipping on a potent green fluid! And the little old lady in the fur coat, she is there tonight as well, sitting next to the piano, puffing on long cigarettes. As for our voucher, K has it tucked safely away for another trip, to the best night spot in the city of lights, Aux Trois Mailletz!

I Heart Paris!

So, yesterday was my anniversary! Yes, it has been an entire year since my gay husband, K, and I went to the city of light, my beloved Paris!

I had planned to go to Paris with the love of my life, a guy named d. For any of you who watch "Sex and the City" like I do, d is kinda my Mr. Big. Think taller and skinnier with not as much money, but he is someone who seems to always go and then come back into my life. We had always talked about seeing Paris, kissing under the Eiffel Tower, strolling the Champs Elysees. But that would never happen - too much distance, not enough commitment and far too much frustration ended our triste before Paris could ever be viewed.

I decided that I was going to go anyways - who I am to let a little blip on my relationship map to stop me! So, I started reading. But, I don't know anything about international travel, heck, I had only been in an airplane three times in my life! Luckily, K, my boss at the time, stepped into the picture. He basically set everything up from flights, to hotels, to trains. He was truly awesome!

I am sure I will write more about Paris in this blog, but to keep things short and simple - it was truly amazing! I had never found another place in the world, other than Victoria, where I could see myself living, but I changed my mind after seeing Paris. I would move there in a heartbeat! The art, the history, the food, the buildings - it was all breathtaking. I hope to go back next year for a month!

I was lucky to go with K to Paris. Despite our combined lack of direction, and my annoying illness I had the whole time, I was able to see Paris for the first time with a man who will love me his entire life as I will him. Love comes in all forms, and friendships that last a lifetime is one of the best kinds! And to K, we'll always have Paris - a pain au chocolate and a cafe creme at a cafe along le rue Mouffetard!

Pity party, for one, Please!

I am sick. So sick. This has to be the first time I have been off my couch all day. I am blue, and that is not just the colour of my tongue either! I hate being sick. I hate the mucus and the coughing and the back aches. Right now, I do enjoy being sick more than going to work. Does that make me a bad person?